


Girl Meets Season 4

by Weasleymama



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: F/M, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-13 17:32:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 38,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9134215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weasleymama/pseuds/Weasleymama
Summary: (Previously Titled: Terrible Love)The triangle is over, Lucas and Riley are together - but are the feelings between Maya and Lucas actually gone? This story begins in Season 3 wherein I am changing the way a few things happened that I didn't like and then moving forward.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is part of the [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * Constructive criticism
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
> 

> 
> This author replies to all comments!

> Lucas cocked his head to the side and watched Maya for a moment as she sat staring out the window. She wasn’t cutting up with Riley or taunting him – it didn’t sit well with Lucas. She hadn’t been the same in a while and he didn’t understand why. Had someone hurt her? Had someone made her angry? Why wasn’t she talking about it or doing something about it. “Maya?” he whispered, but she didn’t turn and it only concerned him more. He glanced at their friends before his eyes settled on her again, she’d been quiet for weeks and he felt like he was the only one to notice.
> 
> To all others, she was just slacking off in class – same old Maya – but in truth she was in deep thought and massively retrospective. She thought of the bay window changing and how much her fears had come true. She’d been worried they would all change, that there was no going back, and she was right. Nothing was the same anymore. _She_ wasn’t the same anymore.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Maya went through a lot in her last year of middle school… She and her best friend liked the same boy, she reconnected with her father in hopes of forgiveness only to find it impossible. She’d learned who she wanted to be and what she wanted for her life. She learned about art and love and family, she learned about acceptance and true friends. But it seemed like as soon as they hit high school everything turned on its axis.
> 
> Maya saw high school as a new beginning, a chance to accept the change she’d always feared and grow. She wanted more and now she felt like she was internally ready to obtain it. She studied, she listened in class, and she worked harder because she wanted it more. She wanted to be more than the troublemaker with bad grades and sloppy handwriting. She wanted to be more than Riley’s balance and she truly felt she was achieving it. She passed classes, she was even doing better than Riley – which was something that never happened before. 
> 
> But somewhere along the lines things seemed to be getting messed up. While Maya was beaming over her accomplishments, Riley had taken a new outlook. Maya wasn’t being Maya, the only explanation for Maya’s changes was that she was trying to be Riley. At the time, Maya had only been able to express frustration that no one was listening to her, she told them over and over she was fine, _this_ was her. But more than that it hurt. It broke her heart that everyone seemed to think the only way she could ever be good, be smart, and be anything other than trouble – was to be Riley. She didn’t understand why no one seemed to think she was capable of change or growth. They’d believed in Farkle when he changed, they’d believed in Smackle and helped her. But Maya felt like none of them believed it for her.
> 
> Riley pushed her to misbehave, pushed her to be what she used to be – because it was who Riley needed her to be. Maya let Riley push her into the art room, and she tried again, she splattered paint and bore her soul to a best friend who couldn’t hear what she was trying to say. She wanted so much for anyone to understand that while maybe once she wanted to have Riley’s life, she didn’t want to BE Riley, she just wanted to have the happiness that Riley always had. But nothing worked and somewhere in the release the painting brought her – it all hit her.
> 
> Riley was jealous and had no idea how to deal with it. Maya had grown when Riley didn’t, Maya had passed when Riley failed. Maya wasn’t worried about the opinions of classmates while Riley was terrified anyone might not like her. So in that moment, she forgave Riley for her pushing, she forgave her for not applauding Maya’s growth. She forgave her because she saw now that it was just Riley being insecure that really pushed this – just like when she was being bullied she took it out on Maya. She understood that over time she had become Riley’s safe place just as Riley was hers.
> 
> When they got back to the apartment, sitting in their bay window was the answer: Lucas. Maya didn’t let him speak, she didn’t let him make his choice despite wanting him to do it for so long. Instead she accepted Riley’s words, accepted she’d been trying to be Riley. She lied to them all and said it was true. She told him he chose Riley and she stepped back – again. 
> 
> Anything for Riley.
> 
> Lucas’s words through it all were what hit Maya, Lucas had been the one all along to vocally dispute her being Riley, to tell her mother his reasons for how he felt about her. Katy shared his words with her daughter once the ‘triangle’ was over. How he gave Katy credit for Maya’s abilities to love and care for someone, how he praised how she was raised. Katy kept no secrets from her daughter, so Maya knew she had been his choice from the moment she went home that night.
> 
> “You don’t really believe you’ve been Riley, right?” Katy had to confirm that her daughter wasn’t letting them in her head – confirm that Maya knew how proud she was of her. “This is all you, baby girl, the grades the work, the happiness, it’s all yours, don’t let anyone take it from you.”
> 
> And then there was a ski trip where Josh of all people would be chaperoning. She wondered how on earth they would have a freshman in college chaperone, but she kept her mouth shut. He distracted her from everything else, he had a way of taking the words right out of her head. 
> 
> But on the way home she didn’t sit with him despite his scooting over to make room for her. Maya moved to the very back seat of the bus and took the entire thing for herself. She didn’t want to talk to anyone on the ride back to the city, she needed time to make sense of what had happened that weekend. Josh had told her he was in it for the long game, he’d told her he liked her – in his own way – but most importantly, he’d accepted she was trying to be Riley. He’d told her that she had such a large heart and capacity for love and maybe that was because she didn’t have a dad around to love her. And the more she reflected on it, the more she wished she’d have walked away from him right then. The right replies always came to mind too late.
> 
> How could she ever feel so strongly for someone who knew nothing about her? Was she that shallow? Was that why she’d fallen for Lucas?
> 
> No. Lucas was different. He knew her – he’d proven that hadn’t he? He’d stuck up for her, he’d wanted to help her see she wasn’t Riley. He was going to pick her. Her feelings for Lucas were something else entirely.
> 
> But she knew she’d done the right thing in picking Riley for him. While she would never tell a soul, deep down Maya wasn’t sure her friendship with Riley could survive him not choosing her. Maya didn’t have faith in Riley’s ability to separate her feelings about Maya as her best friend and Maya as the one Lucas chose. But Maya knew she could make the distinction if he chose Riley, _she_ could push it aside – after all, she’d done it before.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Now that Riley and Lucas were together, things seemed to calm down with all the ‘Maya is being Riley’ talk and Maya was able to really think about how it all made her feel without the worry of the next shoe dropping. Lucas pushed a note on her desk and her attention was finally off the window. She glanced down at the torn paper. _Are you OK?_ She smiled a little as she read his surprisingly neat script and looked over her shoulder to him before she scribbled on the paper and tossed it back – literally tossing it at his head when Matthew’s turned his back to them. 
> 
> He snickered at her reply – a drawing of a berry wearing a cowboy hat with a word bubble saying ‘HA-HURR’. It was her way of telling him she was just fine and he appreciated it more than if she just told him yes. He folded the note back up and pushed it in his pocket. He kept everything she drew on – even if she was mocking him with it. 


	2. Chapter 2

> The more time went by, the more it became apparent to Lucas that Maya wasn’t pulling back from the group – she was pulling back from _him_. If they were alone together, even just for a few minutes, she found a reason to leave or got on her phone. Only when the others were around did she talk to him, and even then it wasn’t much. 
> 
> He didn’t understand what was going on, if he’d made her angry she’d tell him…wouldn’t she? She always had before. Now she just seemed to regard him as ‘Riley’s boyfriend’ and not really part of the group any longer. He jumped on a chance to not only talk to her about it alone, but spend some time with her when Mr. Matthews was setting up teams of two for a class project. Lucas caught her eye. “Want to?”
> 
> But Maya shook her head. “Nope, going to work with Zay.” Hearing his name, Zay looked up confused. “Right?” She asked him and he just shrugged and nodded – clearly not in on the plan but fine to go along with it. 
> 
> Lucas’s brow furrowed some before he smiled to Riley agreeing that of course he’d be her partner but he wasn’t letting this go. Something was going on and he didn’t like it. The following afternoon he took his chance to confront her. Maya stayed late to use the art room while Mr. Jackson supervised detention - quiet time to put on headphones and just paint. Lucas knew if he went directly from football practice, he’d be able to catch her before she left.
> 
> “Maya! Wait up!” He yelled down the empty hall and jogged after her - still in his practice uniform.
> 
> Maya took in a deep breath, almost bracing herself as she paused and let him approach. “Ugh! Huckleberry, you shouldn’t skip the showers.” She taunted him with how sweaty he was, but he didn’t care. “So what’s up? I’ve gotta get going if I’m going to catch the train.”
> 
> “Why didn’t you want to be partners in history?” 
> 
> She looked at him like he was crazy. “That’s what you stopped me for?” She let out a small chuckle. “It’s nothing, doesn’t even matter.” 
> 
> “It matters to me.” 
> 
> “Well it shouldn’t. Just leave it alone.” She didn’t want him to push her; she didn’t know if she could keep her cool with him alone, without any distractions from Riley or Farkle to keep her attention off his eyes. 
> 
> “What did I do?” He asked, hurt and confusion all over his sweaty face and she hated to see it.
> 
> “Nothing. You didn’t do anything. It’s me, okay? I’m just dealing with some stuff and need some space.” She thought it was vague enough that he might let it go, but that wasn’t his way.
> 
> “From me?” She didn’t answer this time, looking away, looking anywhere but at him. “Why from me, Maya?” He pressed. “What did I do? Whatever it was, I’m sorry.” She turned her body away from him now and it was eating at him that she wouldn’t even meet his eyes when he spoke. “Look at me.” He reached forward, taking hold of her shoulders and turning her to him. “Just tell me what I did so I can fix it.”
> 
> “You picked me!” She told him angrily, pulling out of his arms. She instantly regretted letting the words out, he wasn’t going to let this go now and she was definitely going to miss the train. She sighed and stepped away from him, dropping her bag and leaning against the lockers. “You picked me, my mom told me what you said.” 
> 
> “But…” Confusion took over for Lucas. Nothing was making sense. He had wanted to choose her, but she’d pushed him to Riley, making it clear she didn’t want to be a choice any longer. And it had been weeks ago.
> 
> “Why did you have to say all that?” She asked him. “Why did you have to pick me? Why do you always have to do whatever you feel and not think first?” She snapped at him.
> 
> “What? Maya what the hell? You picked for me, you picked Riley and wouldn’t even let me talk. Then you get all close with _Josh_ ” The name said with clear resentment. “And kept on with all that long-game bullshit. You didn’t want me, remember? You-”
> 
> “Because I can’t lose her! It was never about what I wanted, Lucas.” His brow furrowed as she cut him off, nearly shouting at him. “She’s my best friend and she loves you. You had to know how this was going to go. You said it yourself, you didn’t want this to destroy us. So I didn’t let it.”
> 
> “But you both said…”
> 
> “Of course we did, Huckleberry.” Her voice softened then as she looked to him with sad eyes. “Riley probably doesn’t even realize it could happen. But I know it would – she’d never forgive me. She’d go back to that crap about me trying to be her and that’s why you wanted me. And she’d be miserable and our friendship would be ruined. I can’t let that happen, not with Riley. You don’t understand what her friendship means to me.”
> 
> “Means enough to never say how you really feel.” He replied simply.
> 
> “That’s not-”
> 
> “Yes it is. You told her she was right about you being her when you know it’s a crock. You were never becoming her.” Her eyes moved away again, why did he have to know so much, know her so well? “So tell me. Tell me what her friendship means to you then. Make me understand.” But all Maya did was sigh and keep her eyes on the floor. “Seriously. I want to know.” 
> 
> “She’s always been the light at the end of this dark tunnel. She brings happiness anywhere she goes, even in my life when it seemed like a fantasy.” She began. “She told you about when I first found her, she was singing and I was little and confused and sad all the time at home. But…here was a blue jay in the window and I wanted to know her, I wanted to know what that world was like where she could just sit and sing – even feel like singing.” Both Lucas and Maya sat on the steps, the hallways empty and silent as she tried to make him understand. 
> 
> “She never knew a life that wasn’t perfect, and I’d never known one that was. And she taught me so much. How to love, hope, believe in something good happening. As soon as I would get home all those feelings would go out the window…in my house there was no hope. All there was in my house was sadness, crying, yelling, and slamming doors.” She looked down at her knees, not even sure why she was telling him all this – there was surely a way to explain what Riley was to her without telling him her whole life, but he made it so easy. He looked at her with those pale blue eyes and it willed her to open up to him. 
> 
> “Riley is my sanctuary. You know that thing they do in movies ‘go to your happy place’?” He nodded, not wanting to speak and risk her not finishing all she had to say. “She is my happy place, when everything turns to shit, I just think of Riley, and how she’d be and what she’d do. I can’t be Riley, I don’t have that in me, but I appreciate that she does. And I know on some level she appreciates my rebellions and teaching her to take risks. We really are the balance to each other like Farkle always said. She’s the light and I’m the dark.”
> 
> “No you’re not.” He spoke up then, his eyes were sad as he listened to her. “You’re not the dark, Maya. You may have a pessimistic look while she is optimistic, but you’re not the dark. I’ve seen your light, I know it’s there even when you don’t feel like you should have it. You painted it on the wall for God’s sake.” He spoke of her graffiti, her screaming out what she felt in her art.
> 
> Maya’s brow furrowed some and she shook her head. “No, you don’t understand.”
> 
> “Stop.” He told her abruptly. “I understand it. You needed her when you were little, because where you lived hurt, and with her it didn’t. She had all you wanted and you needed that to grow. But…you’re not that little girl anymore and you’re selling yourself short now.” He sighed, almost frustrated. “Everything was so good before all that ‘old Maya’ shit Riley pulled out. I don’t even know what that was about and I really don’t know why you let her do it.” 
> 
> Maya sighed, eyes on the floor as she swallowed hard. “Because it’s my turn now.” She said it so simply. “She was what I needed back then. I’m what she needs now.”
> 
> “What does that even mean?” He truly couldn’t wrap his head about her way of thinking. “You’ll just be someone else to make her happy? How is lying to her going to make her happy? You remember the good and evil assignment don’t you? She can handle the truth, Maya.”
> 
> She let out a breath that sounded like a bitter chuckle. “Do you remember how it was when we got back from Texas?”
> 
> “Yeah, it was awkward.”
> 
> “She wouldn’t speak to me, Lucas. She didn’t even know what happened and she was so scared of what the truth might be that she just shut me out. She found a way to avoid me or just flat out tell me she wasn’t going to listen to it when I tried to talk to her. For all she knew we talked and decided we were awful for each other…but her immediate reaction was to avoid everything to do with you and me.” She told him. “That’s why I blurted out in class that day, because it was the only way to get her to hear me. I just wanted to talk to my best friend. But when it came to you, I couldn’t. It hurt her too much to even let me speak when it came to you. So tell me what you think would happen if you sat there and chose me, chose me in her favorite place in the world? In front of all her friends? It was bad enough when she didn’t know who you wanted.”
> 
> Lucas thought back over it, Maya wasn’t entirely wrong; Riley had been different when the whole triangle was going on. She was jealous and wanted all of his attention. When she was angry, she expected Maya to be angry with him as well, and Maya had played along – Maya always played along with anything Riley wanted. 
> 
> “So you get it? She can say whatever she wants but I know how it would turn out. I know what would happen and while it may seem like I’m giving up for her sake, I’m not. It’s for mine, because I need her. So, I’ll be whoever she needs me to be if it makes her happy, Riley should always be happy. I know what the other side is like, the side that doesn’t think happiness is ever coming back into your life, and she should never feel that, Lucas.” 
> 
> “Right. But you know, none of this explains why you don’t want to be around me? I’m not keeping you from any of this, I’m just trying to be your friend.” The original reason he’d come to her still fresh on his mind.
> 
> She looked into his eyes for a long time and the feelings for him slipped in. She wanted him to take her face into his hands again and pull her close – for him to close the gap this time and kiss her. She wanted to know what it felt like for him to only see her in a crowded room – and then she remembered. If he only saw her, he wouldn’t see Riley. She took in a deep breath as she stood up. She brushed off her jeans and shook her head. “I can’t be your friend right now, Lucas. It’s not your fault, it’s really not…I just need some space. From you. I…” She swallowed. “I can’t control how I feel, but I can control what I do about it.”
> 
> Lucas stood next, feeling like a weight had fallen on his chest when she spoke. He felt like he was being dumped. “Maya…” He reached out to her but she pulled back.
> 
> “No. I have to go and so do you. So you’re going to forget we had this little talk and go home. Take a shower and call your girlfriend, see if she wants to meet you at Topanga’s because you can’t stop thinking about her.” She locked her eyes on his. “I know what needs to happen right now and if you care about me you’ll do it.”
> 
> Lucas stood as well. “Maya, I can’t just forget-”
> 
> “Yes, you can.” She smiled up at him then as started walking away. “If you think about it, I actually helped us all. You liked us both, so you’re not missing out, you couldn’t choose. Now she’s happy and you should be too.”
> 
> “And you?”
> 
> “I’m happy if Riley is happy.” She pushed open the heavy door and looked back to him once more with a small smile before she walked outside – leaving him standing in the middle of the hall even more bothered by it all than he’d been before they talked.


	3. Chapter 3

> Maya still wasn’t talking to Lucas much. She told him she wanted space, but he didn’t like it – and he especially didn’t like that no one else seemed to even notice it was happening. He nudged Zay the day before to ask but even his oldest friend didn’t see what he saw. But, of course he didn’t, when she was with the others she talked plenty – to them. 
> 
> The following Thursday, Lucas skipped football practice instead of trying to catch her for ten minutes after. He knew he’d pay for it with his coach, but he couldn’t seem to help himself. He couldn’t let go of how frustrating this all made him feel. He paced the halls for a few minutes, trying to figure out if he was making the right choice. She’d asked him for space. He should respect that, he knew that much, but the voice in his head continued to scream at him that he’d lose everything if he didn’t fix it soon. 
> 
> Her friendship mattered to him, from her laughter to her taunting to her genuine advice on those rare moments. Maybe it wasn’t as life-altering as what she and Riley were to one another, but it still mattered. Maya was the first person to make him smile in New York. He hadn’t wanted to move, he hadn’t wanted to leave his friends behind and he especially didn’t want to go back to school. He’d been expelled, he’d lost a year and would have to redo so much, and this time without the friends he’d had all his life. 
> 
> He had to ride the subway that morning and while he never told a soul, it made him nervous. Yes, Austin was a big city and the slogan was even Keep Austin Weird – but it had nothing on New York in size or strangeness. He’d decided to just focus on his book and not make eye-contact. He’d been reading the same words over and over again. Between paying attention to the stops and the people around him he just couldn’t focus. 
> 
> And out of nowhere, there she was. This petite blonde with a beautiful smile and waves in her hair. She seemed to appear out of nowhere and as she said hello, he couldn’t help but smile at her. Even in the mood he’d been in since they moved to the city, she seemed to bring a happiness out of him that he’d not realized was even still there. She was funny – albeit confusing – and after she walked away he had to laugh a little to himself as he understood what was happening. It was something between the girls, teasing him, or teasing each other, girls were weird. But…he’d let her do it again.
> 
> He tried to pinpoint when things got confusing between them all. He wanted to believe it was Texas – but was it? Had he really not known before or just not wanted to let himself know? He’d liked her from the first moment he saw her, and over time he found himself drawn to her more and more. He’d been the rebellious one in Austin, he’d gotten into fights not caring about the outcome. And he saw the same thing in her, that streak of trouble matched with a genuine caring for those around her. But the more he saw how much she was like him he tried not to like her. He was trying to be better here. He’d promised his mother he’d be better – and what if being around Maya so much took him back to that place – what if it forced him to move schools again if he took it too far?
> 
> He needed to be the good guy, he needed to be what he’d promised to be. And that’s where Riley came in. If he was going to be ‘Lucas the Good’ she was the one. She had to be. She was so sweet and kind, not a bad bone in her entire body. Even when she was upset, who would know? She just wanted to make the world happy and beautiful – he couldn’t go wrong with that, right?
> 
> But Maya – Maya was always there, always on his mind. And somehow in the mix it was Maya who was pushing him towards Riley. It was a sign, she wasn’t interested in him. He was nothing more than a friend and sometimes punching bag. And maybe that was for the best, after all – after only 10 minutes in detention, they’d proved how out of hand they could get together. 
> 
> …But it had been a fun day. Especially when she’d pulled him close, only to knock him down once more. 
> 
> And now…he felt like he had nothing, like the rug had been jerked out from under him. He was losing her and he couldn’t let that happen. Part of him actually _wanted_ to make her mad. He wanted to push her and piss her off – because when she snapped, she talked. She told him things that were real without needing to make jokes. 
> 
> He pushed open the door to the art room, the smell of the paint hit him right away. Maya didn’t look up, unable to hear past her earbuds. He moved up behind her as she painted with a kind of fury. She had to get it out, it was overflowing inside her and her brush seemed to move too slow against the canvas. He watched her with amazement. He almost held his breath, not wanting to do anything to make her stop as dark colors covered the white canvas. To him it looked like a stormy sky – like some he’d seen in Texas in the past, the kind that brought tornados and devastation….but she’d made it beautiful in a way that didn’t make sense.
> 
> “Ah!” He exclaimed as her arm rose to flick paint against the canvas roughly and it flew backwards at him, splattering his face with specks of slate blue.
> 
> Maya let out a gasp, jumping as she turned around quickly. “What the hell, Huckleberry!?” She exclaimed, pulling her ear buds out and putting a messy hand going to her chest where her heart was racing. But then she caught a look at his face and couldn’t help snickering. When he lifted a hand to wipe it away she stopped him. “Don’t, it will just smear.” She told him with a chuckle. “Just let it dry and you can almost peel it off.”
> 
> “Right, you just want me to have blue freckles the rest of the day.”
> 
> “That is a perk.” She admitted dryly. She felt she had to make the joke, but her heart wasn’t in it. “What are you doing here? Don’t you have practice?” She turned back to the painting, tilting her head to the side for a moment before she went for a new brush to begin with another aspect to the painting. 
> 
> “Not today.” He muttered, moving out of her paint slinging zone and sitting on a stool at the empty station beside her. “So what is it going to be?” He asked, looking at her painting. “Looks like a storm.”
> 
> “It is a storm.” She told him simply, not looking at him. “I do the sky first, then build on top of it for the next part, the city.”
> 
> “Like the painter guy?” She turned sharply at his words. “You know the happy trees guy?”
> 
> “Bob Ross, how do you even know who that is?”
> 
> “I’ve seen PBS, Maya.” At her expression he explained further. “It was mom approved.” He muttered, rolling his eyes at her smirk. “Whatever, I’m right, aren’t I? He did that too.”
> 
> “Yeah, that’s how I learned it. He came on after-“
> 
> “Sesame Street.” They both said together and she forced herself to look away when she smiled. 
> 
> “Yeah, anyway, that’s how I learned it. Mr. Jackson has a different way, but he thinks I’m doing good.”
> 
> “You are.” He confirmed. “It looks awesome.”
> 
> “So, what are you doing here, Lucas?” She told him after a mumbled thanks. 
> 
> “I just wanted to talk to you.” Her following sigh sent a twinge of sadness through him. “Listen, I know you said you wanted space….”
> 
> “Yeah, I did.”
> 
> “I know, but I don’t. I don’t want to lose your friendship, Maya. It’s important to me.” Her arm stopped moving for a second but she took in a deep breath and kept painting, a mass of squares and rectangles across the bottom and center of the darkness – also dark and shadowed. “There had to be a way we can figure this out. A way without you never speaking to me again.” But still she remained silent and kept her eyes on the canvas. “Okay, you’re upset with me…I was going to pick you and hurt Riley. But it’s over now. Riley doesn’t know and everyone is fine.”
> 
> She turned to him then, brows furrowed slightly. “Is that what you think? That’s what you got from what I said last week?”
> 
> “Y-yes?” He immediately knew he was wrong, she wasn’t angry with him…least she wasn’t before right now. “Maybe not?” She scoffed slightly and turned back to her canvas, working more on the buildings under the stormy sky. “Look, I’m sorry Maya, but that’s what you said, you practically shouted at me because I do what I feel without thinking and was going to tell her in the window.”
> 
> “I said I wanted space from you because you picked me.” She reminded him, her voice almost monotone as she held back emotion, so frustrated with him for not getting it. How could he not understand after all she’d said? He looked at her, brow furrowed and he felt the tension between them, but it wasn’t angry tension, it was sad. It took him a moment before it all really sank in. He’d thought all along that she’d pushed him to Riley for herself as much as for Riley, that when she went through her whole ‘Old Maya’ issues with Riley she’d realized she didn’t want him anymore. But she did, she still liked him and it hit him just as it had in Texas…why were they being forced to live this kind of moment over and over again.
> 
> “You…” And she stiffened as he started talking again. “Maya?” With a deep breath she turned to him and slowly met his eyes. His brows creased with a sadness in his eyes and she had to harden herself to it.
> 
> “Look.” She began, back straight and eyes going back to her work. “It’s better this way. You and Riley are happy and I’ll move on. But it would be a lot easier to do that if you would actually give me the space I want.”
> 
> Lucas felt like his heart was breaking – partly for himself and partly for her because she didn’t seem to be letting herself feel anything. She was so strong and closed off – especially now. “I didn’t…Maya, I…” His shoulders hung as he deflated some. “This isn’t how I wanted this to go.”
> 
> “Yeah.” She nodded a little as she bit at the inside of her cheek. “But it’s how it needs to be.”
> 
> “I want-“
> 
> “Lucas, stop.” She turned on her heels. “Don’t you get it? I don’t care what you want. You had so many chances to say what you wanted, but you couldn’t make up your mind. So, I did it for you…you’d be doing this with Riley right now if it had gone the other way. You just don’t want anyone hurt. Well, I’m not hurt, Lucas. I’m not, and everyone is fine. But it would make my life easier if you would give me some time to get over you.” She almost snapped at him. “Don’t you get it? The only way you’re going to lose my friendship is if you don’t let me have any time to actually focus on that being all we are.” She dropped the brush onto the tray of the easel as she looked up into his eyes. “Don’t come here anymore. This is _my_ place, this is where I think and I let everything out.”
> 
> He stood, eyes a little wide as she came off almost harsh in a way. He’d been so wrong, so very wrong and he was messing it up even more than he thought he could. “I’m sorry, Maya.” He muttered, just looking at her hurt. “I get it. And I’m sorry, I won’t bug you here anymore. I just…” He shrugged. “I miss you.”
> 
> She was too open and vulnerable when she was painting, she released everything to paint her feelings, paint what needed to escape her soul…and having him here let him in too much. If he were here, telling her how good she was, talking so sweet and looking at her like that she knew she would break down. She would want the triangle back, she would want him again…and she knew better. “I know…I’m not going anywhere, Lucas, I just need some time…please.”
> 
> He nodded some and tried to smile. “Okay, Maya...I’ll go. I’ll um, I’ll see you in class tomorrow.” She nodded, watching him as he walked backwards for a few steps towards the door. Neither of them wanting to turn away just yet – but as the door was at his back he had no other choice and she gave him a small wave before he left. 
> 
> With Lucas out of sight Maya let her head hang down, hiding her eyes in messy hands as she let herself break – just for a moment.


	4. Chapter 4

> As soon as the okay for visitors was given Riley and Maya took off through the hospital. They’d both been at the game, both see the dog-pile tackle that knocked him out. He insisted he was fine, just needed some water, but just being unconscious meant an ambulance ride to the hospital. Watching Lucas be carted off the field on a stretcher had sent both girls into a fearful panic as they ran down to the field hand in hand.
> 
> When they arrived at the hospital with Riley’s parents, they were given the same old adage – unless they were family, no one could tell them anything. Riley paced back and forth as they all waited eventually the entire football team showed up to check on Lucas. After a few hours it was Lucas’s father who came out – smiling at the people who cared about his son. 
> 
> “Lucas is going to be okay.” He told them all. “He’s got a concussion and what’s called a subdural hematoma.” He explained a little from what the doctor had said but ended with the facts that concerned everyone in the waiting room. “He’d love to see you guys but before anyone goes back, he won’t be able to play football for the rest of the year and he’s kind of bummed about it so try not to bring up the game too much, okay?” Despite hospital rules, everyone in the waiting room made their way back into Lucas’s room with Riley leading the pack.
> 
> Lucas had grown close with the team in the few months he’d been playing with them and it cheered him up a lot to see everyone but he couldn’t help wondering why Maya wasn’t there. Riley hugged on him and sat close to him holding his hand while he assured everyone that he was okay. “They have to do another CT in the morning so they’re keeping me overnight but really I’m okay. I told them I was fine, just have a headache.”
> 
> “That’s to be expected with Thor over there sitting on your head.” One of players joked, causing them all to laugh. 
> 
> It wasn’t long after a young nurse with kind eyes put on her stern voice to tell them all it was time to go. There were too many people in the room and things needed to quiet down. It was only when the team began to file out that Lucas finally caught sight of Maya. She was giving Riley a little wave and slipping out with the players. She hadn’t said a word to him – but just the fact that she’d come put a small smile on Lucas’s face. Maybe he hadn’t lost her after all.
> 
> * * *
> 
> After parting ways with the Matthews at their subway stop, Maya finally let herself feel everything that had been coming at her since she saw Lucas laying on the field. She was taken back to Texas and that dammed Rodeo. She was taken back to how she’d had a fight with him before he got on that bull and how she was terrified that he was really hurt, that she’d never get a chance to make things right between them if she’d lost him. And the realization that if she’d lost him – just how much she was actually losing. 
> 
> He’d become an amazing friend to her but deep down she knew he was more than that. She had such strong feelings for him that she had been keeping deep down inside her dungeon of sadness. She had to keep it away, he wasn’t meant for her. He was meant for Riley. He was everything Riley wanted and Maya would never do anything to stop Riley from being happy. But those few minutes when he was down on the ground, having flown off a bull, Maya felt like her heart stopped. 
> 
> It happened again on the field, he was down, not getting up and her chest tightened, she felt like she couldn’t breathe. Riley pulled her along as she ran down the bleachers but Maya only moved with Riley, she couldn’t think for herself, she could only see the lights of the ambulance and thinking the worst.
> 
> And now, sitting along on the subway, she was thinking the worst again. Then Maya made a bad choice, she began to google all the most terrible outcomes for Lucas and scaring herself even more. With welled up eyes she got off the train at the next stop – only to get back on another going back the way she came. 
> 
> Many of the people in the online articles felt fine only to fall asleep and never wake up or to have seizures and clots in their brain that caused strokes. She was terrified that Lucas was feeling okay but in truth something was going to be terribly wrong. She couldn’t stand for the last thing she told him was to basically leave her alone.
> 
> Still wearing the visitor’s sticker on her jacket she was able to walk right back into the hospital and make her way to his room. She paused as the door opened and she heard Lucas inside. “Bring me back a cheese burger.” They didn’t notice Maya as they walked out of the room – giving her a chance to let herself in quietly. 
> 
> He didn’t notice her at first – staring blankly at the TV. Maya furrowed her brow at the miserable look on his face, worried that he was hurting more than he’d been letting on, worried it was as bad as it was on some of the webpages. But when he turned his head he caught sight of the last person in the world he thought would be there. His eyes brightened and a smile spread across his face. 
> 
> “Hey!” Lucas exclaimed, sitting up a little straighter. “I thought you left.”
> 
> “I did…” She told him as she slowly walked in further. “I was just-” She bit her lip a little and leaned against the wall. “Are you really okay?”
> 
> “Well I don’t get to play football anymore, so not really.” He said, deflating at the thought.
> 
> “Lucas…” 
> 
> “I’m okay, Maya.”
> 
> “You’re in the hospital. You have a needle in your arm. That’s not okay.” She pressed, letting him see the worry in her eyes. “They were talking about how you got knocked out and how you were all pale and I heard you threw up in the ambulance. Did you have a seizure? There was something about a seizure. And there’s all this stuff online about how you could be bleeding into your brain and-”
> 
> “Maya, Maya, stop…it’s okay, listen to me. I didn’t have a seizure, I got a concussion, and sometimes those make you nauseous.”
> 
> “And when you have past concussions you don’t tell anyone about, you really up the chances of problems.” The voice came from behind Maya, and while the words from someone else could come off as condescending, hers didn’t. She moved around Maya and went over to Lucas. “Visiting hours are over you know.”
> 
> Lucas rolled his eyes. “Yup, I know that, and I know that you’re Erin, my night nurse. Also my name is Lucas Friar, I’m in the hospital it’s Friday night, and this is really getting old. Do you really have to do this every hour?” He asked her as Maya stood off to the side, hoping to be forgotten so not to be kicked out. 
> 
> Erin chuckled a little. “Alright, any numbness? Can you move your arms and legs for me?” While the easy going nurse would put most people at ease, it actually made Maya more upset. Just seeing that a nurse had to check on him every hour, had to see if he knew his name? Nothing could be good about this. “Do you need anything?” He shook his head. “Okay, well call me if anything feels weird and I’ll see you in another hour.” 
> 
> Lucas caught Maya’s eye and spoke up. “Uh, actually I do need something.” Erin turned around with a smile. “Let her stay?” He asked with pleading eyes. “Please?” 
> 
> Erin looked between the two and smiled. “I don’t see anyone.” She told him. “See you at 11:30.” 
> 
> Maya watched the nurse slip out of the room and waited until she was gone before she turned on Lucas. “What past concussion.” She asked with a sharpness in her tone.
> 
> “What?” He asked, avoiding her eyes.
> 
> “She said you had past concussions you did tell anyone about. She said it could cause problems. What concussions?” 
> 
> Lucas could see the worry all over her face and knew better than to tease her now. “It was in Texas, it’s okay.”
> 
> “In Texas? In Texas when? When you were little?”
> 
> Lucas let out a sigh. “Tombstone.” Was all he needed to say, Maya’s eyes went wide at the single word. 
> 
> “That fucking bull! You got hurt and you never told me!?” She wanted to hit him, and if he hadn’t been in a hospital bed she would have. She clenched her fists at her sides as she huffed. “I cannot believe you didn’t tell me. Why wouldn’t you tell me? Tell anyone?!”
> 
> “Because…” He shifted a little in the bed, uncomfortable with the way she was looking at him. “Because I didn’t want you to worry or be angry. You already told me you didn’t want to talk to me if I did it, and I was a hero, finally people would remember me for something good. I didn’t want to ruin it with being the guy who got hurt riding the bull.”
> 
> “You…you are so fucking stupid!” She snapped at him. “Do you realize what could have happened to you?! Do you know how bad that can end up?” Her eyes welled and her sinuses burned as she held back tears. “Do you know people have died from blows to the head? People bleed in their brain and just drop dead. And look at where you are!”
> 
> He was on his feet as she ranted, and while he couldn’t go far with the IV in his arm, she paced as she ranted at him and she was easy to grab hold of. “Maya! Stop.” He pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her. “It’s okay.”
> 
> “It’s not okay!” She cried out but didn’t pull back from his embrace.
> 
> “It is.” He spoke softly and rubbed at her back. “It’s okay, I’m okay. It’s not as bad as it seems. No more Googling. I’m not going to die. I’m not going to bleed in my brain. I’m okay.” He held her against his chest and took a deep breath, this was not at all what he expected to happen when she came in the room. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I know should have. But, I really am okay.”
> 
> She pulled back from him then, wiping at her eyes and trying to regain her composure. It wasn’t how she’d imagined this would go either. “If you’re okay, why are you in the ICU and being checked every hour?” She challenged him. 
> 
> Lucas opened his mouth to answer, but didn’t have anything he could say. He didn’t really know how to explain it, he just knew he had to stay the night there and deal with it. So he did the one thing he could think of. He paged Erin to come back. She walked in with a smile. “What can I do for you, Lucas?” 
> 
> “Hey, Erin. I know this isn’t what you meant, but can you please tell her why I’m in here and have to be checked every hour so she knows I’m not going to die.”
> 
> Erin took a look at Maya’s tear-stained face and gave a sympathetic smile. “Okay, first you have to understand the bleeding in Lucas’s head hasn’t caused in changes in his mental function – which is a _good_ sign. But the first several hours after an injury, especially a head injury, have the highest risk of complications. The first sign of any problem would be a change in neurological status so we check him every hour until he’s out of the woods just as a precaution – not because there is something wrong with him.” She could see that Maya wasn’t completely assured so she offered a smile and a pat to Maya’s arm. “Listen, I check so that if by some small, small chance something might be wrong I would catch it before it would hurt him.”
> 
> “You said you weren’t bleeding!” Maya said sharply to Lucas. She listened but still wasn’t convinced that this wasn’t awful. “Yeah, but if it’s such a small chance, why does he have to be here, it’s the Intensive Care Unit.”
> 
> “Small chances are still chances. And I bet you’d rather us be safe about how he’s taken care of right?” Maya nodded a little, feeling slightly foolish about asking. Erin’s voice softened as she looked to the young blonde. “I know this is scary, especially if all you’ve done is look things up on the internet. Lucas is very lucky. His bleed is very small and he’s not showing any symptoms of permanent damage. It’s good this was caught early and he didn’t continue to play tonight.” A known annoyance to Lucas who’d wanted to finish the game. Maya nodded a little as her eyes met Lucas’s who also looked as if he felt a little foolish about his own thoughts. “Now, if you want to stay and keep your boyfriend company tonight, you need to stop worrying him and let him rest.”
> 
> “He’s not my…” But Erin was already out the door before Maya could explain and so she turned to Lucas. “Okay, you’re not in here because you’re going to die, but…I still don’t like it.”
> 
> Lucas let out a slight chuckle. “I don’t like it either.” He settled back into the bed and watched as she lingered near the door. “You’re not leaving already are you? Come sit down for a while.”
> 
> “Well I wasn’t- I mean I just came to….” He looked at her curiously as she hesitated. “I’m sorry I told you to leave me alone. All I could think about was that being the last thing I said to you and I was just really scared.”
> 
> “So…if I wasn’t in here, you’d still want me to leave you alone?”
> 
> She met his eyes then and couldn’t lie. “No. I don’t really _want_ you to, I just…thought I needed you to.”
> 
> “But now you don’t?” But she just shrugged, it hadn’t helped her to have him away from her, the feelings still stayed with her even when he was keeping his distance. “So…what happens now?”
> 
> “Nothing.” She told him, leaning against the wall. 
> 
> Lucas looked down for a moment and then met her eyes with hope and a smile. “Will you sit with me for a while?” He asked as he scooted over a little to make room on the hospital bed for her to join him. She hesitated and shifted from one foot to the other but meeting his eyes she couldn’t help but smile back at him.
> 
> * * *
> 
> When Mr. and Mrs. Friar returned from dinner they started into the room slowly in case he was sleeping. But instead they saw Maya sitting on the bed with him, holding his hand and watching TV quietly. The two slipped back out of the room - deciding to give the kids another few minutes before they sent Maya home. Between their own fears for their son and Lucas being so down about his situation anything that made him smile was okay with them.
> 
> Somewhere along the lines their hands brushed together as they sat talking softly. Lucas didn’t want to say anything to make her move, to make her pull her hand away so he didn’t acknowledge it when his fingers slipped between hers. He just kept watching TV even though he knew she was eying him for a moment. But she didn’t pull away. She was so thankful he was okay, but at the same time she knew there was a good chance when he was out of here that things were going to go back to the way they were before and something in his eyes told her he knew it too.
> 
> “I just wish I didn’t have to stop playing ball. I feel like I’m going to miss out on so much. And, what if I don’t get to play again at all. They said the rest of the year, but, what if they do a scan and decide I can never play again? And they’re not going to let me ride in Texas.” He added, even more depressed. “I haven’t fallen off a horse since I was eight, but mama said she didn’t want to risk it.” Maya turned to face him as he spoke, telling her what was really on his mind about it all. 
> 
> “Well, I can’t say I blame her.” Maya admitted. “But you know, it’s all just happened, maybe once she sees that you’re okay, she’ll lighten up.”
> 
> “Maybe…” Lucas muttered, but he sound optimistic. He’d wanted to tell her about how much it bothered him when Riley told him she was glad he couldn’t play football anymore, reminding him how she told him he could get killed. He didn’t understand how she could have faith in him riding a bull but not playing football. But Lucas knew if he mentioned Riley, Maya would pull away from him completely. They weren’t doing anything wrong in his eyes, she’d sit just like this with Riley - he’d seen her do it. So this was just them being good friends, but Maya wouldn’t agree once Riley was on her mind. What Lucas was sure of, was that he’d missed her and she was finally close to him and talking again…and all he wanted to do was hold onto that feeling as long as he could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A special thanks to [erinwert](http://archiveofourown.org/users/erinwert) for her awesome knowledge and willingness to be featured in this chapter.


	5. Chapter 5

> Despite having only been in the hospital for one night, Lucas stayed home from school for a week. His head seemed to be in a constant state of pounding and it some morning it was hard to even get out of bed. The bright lights hurt and the alarm to get up was even worse. Finally it got to a point where his mother woke him up in the dark and the lightbulbs were changed in his room. He didn’t like to express when he was in pain, but his mother could tell even when he insisted he was fine.
> 
> When he finally did make it back to school he was given permission to wear sunglasses in the classroom if the lights were too much for him and by the end of the day he was usually wearing them. His most miserable change was that he was no longer allowed to do any activities he enjoyed – not even a simple gym class.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Maya rushed into the library for study hall, running behind after art class. She signed in and went to find the table in the back that she often spent the class period at. While many believed she slacked off, Maya chose to sign up for study hall so she could take the time with the resources the school had to actually do her homework. Maya didn’t expect to see Lucas at her table with his head down. His schedule had to be changed when he could no longer participate in gym. She furrowed her brow and took her usual seat. He was so quiet and still she couldn’t tell if he was awake or not. 
> 
> He slowly lifted his head and Maya was instantly worried – his eyes were bloodshot and he looked miserable. “Hey…” She said softly. “Are you okay?” She reached across the table for his hand without even thinking about what she was doing. 
> 
> “Yeah, I’m fine. Just have a headache.” He told her, taking his hand back from her to rub at his eyes but she watched on concerned. “It’s fine.” He spoke with a slightly sharp tone and immediately regretted it. “Damn, Maya I’m sorry, I’m not mad at you, I’m just tired. The last few days have been shit.”
> 
> He was cussing more lately than usual, showing his misery even more with each word. “It’s okay.” She gave him a small smile and then put her hoodie on the table. “Here, it makes a better pillow than your backpack.” She offered him a small grin. “I slept on it first period.”
> 
> Lucas considered her yellow jacket for a moment before he pulled it closer and balled it up under his head. He breathed in – the soft smell against the hood wasn’t enough to make the headache worse – just enough to comfort him. He never told her about it, never knew if it was perfume, shampoo, or just her…but he loved that smell.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Lucas felt like he could see the sound of the squealing brakes on the train, it was like a flash of red and bright blinding white lights across his blue eyes. His hands quickly went up to cover his hears as he almost doubled over with the sharp pain in his head. Lucas was sure in that moment that actually being stabbed in the back of his head would hurt less.
> 
> He stumbled as he got off the subway, going back up to the street as quickly as he could. He needed to get away from the noise - needed quiet and darkness. He needed it all to stop. It took a moment to focus his eyes against the pain behind them. Trying to get his bearings on where he was and where he could go. 
> 
> Maya. Her house was the only option; he couldn't go much further with pain so sharp that it made his eyes tear. He just need a little while, a little quiet to make it stop and then he could get home. She was waiting in the hall for him after buzzing him into the building. Just from the tone in his voice over the intercom she knew something was wrong – and one look at him confirmed it. He was gripping the rail tightly as he came up the stairs while his other hand held his head.
> 
> "Lucas?" Worry filled her voice but he put a hand up. 
> 
> "Don't...talk." He muttered. She took a few steps back and let him inside. He went to the couch, head in his hands as he tried to make it all stop. "Can you...please turn that off?" He asked her, his voice almost breaking as he pointed at the light. 
> 
> She moved quickly, even though she had no idea what was happening. She turned off the lights and pulled the shades down to block the lights from the street. She sat near him on the couch, but not too close – almost scared to touch him. "What’s going on?" she whispered, fear in her voice.
> 
> "My head. Hurts." He muttered as he finally broke, allowing the tears to fill his eyes in the darkness. She didn't understand. She knew he got headaches, he'd told them all that sometimes his head hurt and that's why he wore sunglasses inside. But he'd also assured them all that he was fine, just a little sensitive. Now she could only assume he’d been lying so not to worry them – like she was worrying now.
> 
> "Lucas..." She whispered, but his next words just broke her heart and she couldn't even consider reprimanding him for lying.
> 
> "I'm sorry." He told her, and it was clear now that this was bad enough to push him to a breaking point. "I just need a couple minutes."
> 
> "Shhh." She whispered as she reached over and eased him closer to her. "Just lay down, it's okay." He laid his head down on her lap, closing his eyes tight as he tried to take deep breaths and will the pain away. Maya's fingers moved slowly through his hair, trying anything to make it better. She'd seen a lot of sides to Lucas over the years, but this broken down man was definitely a first. 
> 
> Lucas stayed still on her lap for a few minutes even after the pain subsided – just wanting to keep himself pain free as long as he could. When he did eventually sit up, his first words were soft. “Thank you.” The tone in his voice caught her off guard, he spoke like she’d saved his life, not like she just opened the door. 
> 
> “You’re welcome.” She replied softly, not wanting to cause him to feel any more pain. “What happened?” She asked him, not willing to just let him walk away without an explanation.
> 
> He leaned back into the old sofa and took a moment. “I was on the subway, and it was so loud, it just…it felt like someone was slamming a brick against head. It was…” He closed his eyes for a moment. “Hard to even walk and you were closest. I didn’t mean to barge in.”
> 
> “You didn’t barge in.” She muttered. “Is it always like this?”
> 
> “No, just sometimes if something is really loud or bright or jolting. Usually it’s just a dull ache that gets worse as the day goes on. That’s why I close my eyes a lot and sleep in study hall.”
> 
> “Is it supposed to be like that? I know you said headaches, but…Lucas I’ve never seen you like that.”
> 
> “I didn’t want you to.” He told her quickly. “I don’t want anyone to see me like that.” He turned to her, even in the darkness he could see her clearly enough to meet her eyes. “Promise me you won’t tell them.”
> 
> “Tell who? Riley? Zay?”
> 
> “All of them.”
> 
> “But-” She didn’t want more secrets, she had enough of her own.
> 
> “Please.” 
> 
> She nodded. “Okay. I won’t tell them.” She paused, thinking it over for a moment. “If you promise never to lie to me about it.” 
> 
> It was a condition he hated, admitting it to her tonight had been bad enough. Didn’t she understand that he didn’t want her to see him differently either. He was strong as a horse, always had been. He was the hero…wasn’t he? But he knew he had to give in on this one, Maya didn’t ask for anything for herself unless it was important. “Okay, I promise.”
> 
> * * *
> 
> Over the following week, Lucas not only kept his promise, but Maya became the one he turned to when he was in pain. The first day he hesitated as he sat beside her in study hall, until she finally made him look at her and said “Just spit it out.” And he asked her for her jacket and sheepishly asked if she would rub the back of his head again.
> 
> And by the next week when he was feeling especially bad, he would just walk in, take her jacket without a word and put his head down as close to her as he could without laying on her books. Maya smiled a little to herself, it was almost cute how pathetic he looked when he felt badly. She knew it was a strange thought, but it was nice to feel needed, to know she could help him.
> 
> Maya would use her left hand to run fingers through his hair and her right hand to sketch or flip a page in her book. Many times she would find herself sketching him, he stayed still and was close enough to her where she could work out details of the face and hair. She would focus on the wrinkles on his forehead when he closed his eyes tightly, or the stray hairs on his chin from his getting lazy with shaving. For Maya study hall became a second art class where she taught herself while for Lucas is was a much needed rest period.
> 
> Between Maya with her ear buds in focused on Lucas as she sketched and Lucas being fast asleep with her fingers in his hair, neither of them noticed when Riley came up behind them. The young brunette’s eyes blinked a few times, trying to understand what was happening. Was there something going on with them? Was there a secret being kept from her? Was this actually normal behavior for them when they were alone? Why wasn’t Maya spouting some insulting nickname? Why was she petting him? She didn’t know what question to ask, so she stayed silent as she turned and walked away.


	6. Chapter 6

> Hurt and anger filled Maya’s face as she looked at her best friend. “What?” She asked, almost hoping she’d heard Riley wrong. Riley was filled with just as much pain and confusion. She took a deep breath, keeping her head high. She had to know, she had to ask. It had been making her crazy for a week – she’d been quiet and contemplative and kept looking at Maya or Lucas strangely. When Maya finally confronted her, asking what was wrong, if she was mad at her – Riley had decided to just put it out there. 
> 
> “Is Lucas cheating on me with you?” She repeated in reply. Nothing else made sense; she’d imagined every reason possible for them to be so close. But nothing else explained Maya’s hand to be in his hair like that. She hadn’t even just cuddled with him and stroked his hair so why was Maya doing it unless they had something more with her? 
> 
> Maya stared at Riley for a moment, taking in a deep breath. She’d heard her correctly the first time – though she wished she hadn’t. The way Riley looked at her, so earnest and concerned. Maya’s voice was soft but filled with anger. “Screw you, Riley.” And she turned on her heel and began to walk away from her best friend as her eyes welled. Riley’s tone wasn’t accusatory but to Maya just the question was enough to hurt.
> 
> Riley’s eyes went wide at the words and Maya walking away from her. What had just happened? How was she the bad guy here? She just asked a question, but now Maya was furious and it wasn’t fair. She should be the one who is furious, after all it’s her boyfriend they’re talking about. “Maya!” She snapped and took long strides after her. “Stop!”
> 
> Riley took hold of Maya’s arm but Maya just jerked it away as she spun to face the much taller girl. “Don’t.” She snapped, holding back the urge to physically push Riley away.
> 
> “Just tell me! I deserve to know if you still have feelings for him.”
> 
> “ _Deserve_?!” She was incredulous. “I’m not even going to tell you what you _deserve_ right now.” 
> 
> “Why are you so mad?!” Riley shot back with a mix of desperation and confusion. What had just happened?
> 
> “You just accused me of cheating with your boyfriend!” Maya shouted. “How could you ever ask me something like that?!
> 
> “Because I saw you.” Riley replied, ready for the tables to turn back, ready for Maya to apologize to her and finally talk to her like the best friend she was. “I saw you in the library sitting all close and playing with his hair.” As Riley said it out loud she realized just how much it bothered her to see it.
> 
> “And that means he’s cheating on you? Means I’d cheat with him?” Maya snapped back and Riley took a step back. “That’s what you think of me? You think I’d do that to you.” Her lip shook a little but she tightened it. She wasn’t going to let sadness take over yet, anger was too prevalent. Despite others in the school hallway, Maya kept talking. Unable to hold herself back now. “Did you even think to just ask him why I was doing it? Or ask me before you assume the worst?” But Maya replied to her own question before Riley could. “No. Why bother? If it’s about me, it must be the worst thing you can think of.”
> 
> By this point several people were watching the fight happening, including the rest of their friends. Lucas winced as Maya’s voice got louder and his head began to throb. Riley looked around, all eyes on her and it made her feel even worse. She pulled Maya into the closest classroom before she continued. “I never said that! I was asking you what happened, I didn’t accuse you.” She hadn’t even meant to use the word ‘cheating’ at all, it had just come out and now she wished it hadn’t.
> 
> “No!” Maya snapped back, glad to move out of sight now that this was actually happening. “You asked if we were cheating, you didn’t ask what was going on, you didn’t come over to us when you saw us and just say hi and ask. What were you doing anyway? Spying on him? Want to make sure terrible Maya doesn’t ruin your fairytale life?”
> 
> “What?” Now Riley felt shocked by the words. “That’s not…Why would you say that?”
> 
> “Because it’s true.” Maya replied, cursing the tear that slipped out. “I’m the bad and you’re the good.” And then, like floodgates opening, it couldn’t be contained. “That’s what you wanted right? Well fine, I’ll be the bad one. I’ll destroy things and break rules and be in trouble all the time. I can’t pass while you fail, and I can’t even dress nice without you wanting to tear me down.” She’d been holding it in for months, telling herself she was fine, but she was far from fine. 
> 
> Riley blinked back her own tears “Maya …” She didn’t know what was happening, everything was spinning out of control and she felt two inches tall. “I wouldn’t, I mean, I didn’t mean to…” 
> 
> “It doesn’t matter if you meant to, you still did it. You were jealous and couldn’t stand it. You tried to intervention me, tried to make my own mother believe I was turning into you. You were so upset about Lucas and your grades and nothing going the way you planned that you tore me down. It’s always about you!” Both girls were in tears now. “All I ever do is try to make you happy. You get everything you want and it’s still not enough! You still have to keep bringing me down and it’s not fair, Riley! I have nothing and I still give you everything!” Maya took a couple deep breaths, her voice getting softer. “I gave you everything.” It slowly hit her that this wasn’t just about Riley bringing her down or for giving up Lucas. It was about being angry with herself for letting it happen. 
> 
> Maya forced herself not to look towards the door, knowing Lucas and the others were standing out there. They’d want to make sure Riley was okay when this was over. Maya was sure they’d want to hug Riley and remind her what a good friend she was and had no faith at all anyone would be checking on her. It had been a long time since anyone checked on her. “I tried to do things that made _me_ happy, Riley. I tried to be better, dress nicer, I tried to _grow up_.” She wiped at her face, brushing away the tears that dared to fall. “But you didn’t want to, so I can’t either. Do you even realize how much you hurt me?” Maya asked, voice filled with sadness. “I was proud of myself, I was happy, and you pushed and pushed and tried to make me believe I was becoming you. Do you get that you basically said that I can’t be smart or good or follow any rules unless I’m turning into _you_? That I’m just the stupid delinquent and should just stay in my place.”
> 
> “That-that’s not what I meant. I know you’re smart and good.” Riley cried as she spoke, Maya’s words ringing in her ears. Had she really done all that? Had she brought Maya down? 
> 
> “I know it’s not what you meant. But it’s how I felt. You always think you know what’s best for everyone.” Maya continued, sitting at a desk and looking down at the wooden surface. “But why is what’s best for _me_ always about what’s best for _you_?”
> 
> “Oh, Maya, I’m so sorry!” Riley exclaimed, wanting to take it all back now, wanting to make all of this go away. “I never wanted to hurt you.” 
> 
> “Well you did.” Maya said softly, not meeting Riley’s eyes. 
> 
> Only Lucas, Zay, Farkle and Smackle were left in the hall now, standing out of sight outside the classroom door. As the yelling calmed down and the girls cried, they all looked around at one another. Lucas felt sad and incredibly guilty. He’d urged Maya to be herself, he’d wanted her to admit she’d never been Riley, but he didn’t want _this_. Smackle looked awkwardly uncomfortable and Farkle just looked confused, he didn’t know what to do if this ended their friendship it could destroy everything, Riley and Maya belonged together…didn’t they?
> 
> It was Zay who spoke up. “We shouldn’t be listening to this, c’mon.” He told them, nodding down the hall. As they walked out Zay and Lucas parted ways with Farkle and Smackle and he finally spoke up to his friend. “You know what all that’s about, don’t you?” Lucas only let out a sigh and nodded. “So when Maya told you she was Riley and told you to pick her, she was lying?” 
> 
> Both boys knew the answer, but Lucas replied anyway. “Yeah, she was lying.”
> 
> Zay paused for a moment to take it all in. “So, she still likes you?” 
> 
> “I think so.”
> 
> “And you?” Zay asked bluntly and Lucas stopped walking. Did he still like her too? He knew the answer, but didn’t want to speak the words, already feeling to blame for the girls hurting so he just nodded. “So what does that mean?”
> 
> “I don’t even know anymore.” Lucas told his oldest friend honestly. 


	7. Chapter 7

> Riley sat quietly next to Lucas for a long time, reminding them both of their first date and how they couldn’t talk. They’d moved past all that hadn’t they? He’d told her he wanted her to have the important conversations with him. But neither of them said a word. 
> 
> Finally she turned to him. “Are you mad at me too?” She asked softly.
> 
> Lucas shook his head. “No, I’m not mad. I guess I’m just confused and a little…worried maybe?” He shifted to face her more. “Riley, do you really think I’d cheat on you? Because I wouldn’t do that. I’m not sure how to feel if that’s really something you think could happen.”
> 
> “No!” She told him quickly. “I don’t even know why I said cheating, I didn’t even mean it. I just wanted to know why she was doing that and cheating just kind of came out of my mouth. I trust you Lucas; I know you aren’t that kind of guy.” Lucas wanted to ask her about Maya, if she knew Maya wasn’t that kind of girl, but he held back. As she continued. “So, why _does_ she do that to your hair?”
> 
> “Because I asked her to.” He told her honestly and braced himself for this going very wrong very quickly. 
> 
> Riley wasn’t sure she really wanted the answer to her next question, but she asked anyway. “Why?”
> 
> “I had a headache.” He spoke so simply it almost confused her more. “You remember how I told you I get headaches sometimes right?” She nodded, the conversation beginning with his having permission to keep on the sunglasses in class for his ‘condition’. He’d explained the concussion had effects that lasted a while, including light sensitivity and headaches but it still didn’t all make sense to her. 
> 
> “Okay… but…” She hesitated only for a moment. “But why do you need her to rub your head? Can’t you just take some Tylenol?”
> 
> “That doesn’t really help.”
> 
> “But Maya does?”
> 
> “A little. Rest helps and when she does that it kind of…relaxes me so I can sleep a little.”
> 
> “Oh.” She looked down at her lap again, trying to sort it out. “But – why do you need _her_ to do it? Why didn’t you ask me?”
> 
> She looked so sweet and innocent as she asked him simple questions that should have simple answers. But Lucas wasn’t sure they were all simple. He was riding a fine line between lying and not. Was a lie of omission _really_ a lie? He didn’t want to lie to Riley – he didnt want to lie at all. He couldn’t help but think back the beginning of their friendship and how he’d kept his past from her. If Zay hadn’t shown up, he’d probably still be trying to. Would they even be together if that happened? Would he have ever been with Maya? How was one little fact able to control so much?
> 
> “Well, couple of reasons.” He began. “The only time I can rest at school is study hall and she’s there.”
> 
> “And the other?”
> 
> “The truth?” She took in a deep breath as she nodded to him. “I didn’t want you to look at me differently. You see me as this western hero…and I don’t exactly feel or look heroic when my head is pounding.”
> 
> “Lucas…” She began, looking both sad and sweet. “I’m so sorry I ever made you think that something like this could make me see you differently. I will always see you as my hero, even if you are hurt.” She moved in and hugged him. “You can tell me anything, I’ll always be here for you.”
> 
> “Thanks.” He muttered as he returned her embrace, and though he smiled at her, he didn’t feel any better. He wasn’t sure if he should tell her about going to Maya’s house when his pain was too strong to go anywhere else, or about how it was partially because of the bull ride that she’d encouraged him to do.
> 
> * * *
> 
> “What are you doing?!” Maya asked him as if he were insane. Lucas sat on the other side of her window on the fire escape. 
> 
> “I wanted to talk to you.”
> 
> “And you can’t use the door?” She asked and for a second he wanted to laugh – she was one to talk. 
> 
> “It’s late, I didn’t want to wake your mom.”
> 
> She let out a slight chuckle. “They’re not home, they left this afternoon for the weekend, some trip for the magazine.” Maya told him as she stepped back so he could come in. His long limbs moved through the window easily enough, but he was extra careful not to hit his head as he maneuvered in.
> 
> Maya moved back to her place on the floor and closed the sketchpad she’d left there before shoving it under her bed. “So what are you doing here?” It clearly wasn’t his head this time.
> 
> “I wanted to talk to you.” Lucas sat on the floor across from her. “Are you okay?”
> 
> “Yeah? Why wouldn’t I be?” 
> 
> “Well…you know know...you and Riley fought. You seemed pretty upset.”
> 
> “Yeah, well…weren’t you upset? She accused you too.” Maya replied, her eyes on his.
> 
> “That’s not all you were upset about though.” She was quiet for a moment so he continued. “I’m glad you told her how you really felt.”
> 
> “I didn’t.” She admitted with a shrug. “Not everything I felt anyway.”
> 
> “Okay, well, I’m glad you told her part of how you felt then. Either way, I just wanted to come hang out and make sure you were good.” 
> 
> She stared at him for a second and shrugged. Why not? “I’m glad I told her, but I don’t really feel any better than I did before. I made her cry, and I cried, and in the long run, I still didn’t tell her everything because I can’t. You know I can’t.”
> 
> He frowned. “I’m sorry.”
> 
> “Yeah.” 
> 
> They sat there for a long moment in silence, seeming to both have a lot on their minds but neither wanting to speak up. Lucas felt like he needed to talk or leave, so he spoke up. “She asked me if I was mad at her. I told her I wasn’t mad just didn’t understand why she’d think either of us would do that. And she asked me why you were rubbing my head so I told her I asked you to do it because my head hurt.” 
> 
> Maya nodded. “What did she say?” While she was ashamed of the thoughts, her mind first went to the fact that Riley would want Maya to stop helping Lucas. She had clearly been uncomfortable with it. 
> 
> “She said she wouldn’t see me different because I was hurt and that I know I can tell her anything.”
> 
> “That’s it?” Maya asked, almost surprised as he nodded in return. 
> 
> “Maya?” he began, catching her attention once more. “Seriously, are you okay? You guys don’t fight often and this seemed like a really big one.” She tried to just shrug it off again, but he wasn’t buying it.
> 
> “I love her, I do…but I’m still mad about it. She asked me to stay over tonight but…I didn’t want to. I…” She hesitated before meeting his eyes. “Am I a jerk for not just accepting her apology and going back to how it was?”
> 
> “No.” he spoke softly, but he didn’t hesitate. “You’re not a jerk at all and especially not about this. You should take your own time to get over it. No one should expect you to just flip a switch and be okay with everything.”
> 
> “I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay with it. I…I always put her first and I don’t think she always does that for me.” She didn’t look him in the eye as she spoke, just glad to have someone to listen to her with no expectations. “Did you know we once fought over Farkle?” Maya asked with a chuckle. “He was trying to date us both and he had some charm. And we were actually lying to each other and scheming for his attention.”
> 
> “Farkle?”
> 
> “Orange turtle neck and all. And we promised we’d never let a guy come between us again.” She caught his eye then. “I’m not telling you this so you’ll feel bad, it’s not about you, it’s about her and me.” She told him. “It’s about how we are with each other. We’re not honest. And…this whole lying for friendship thing isn’t doing anyone any favors. I lied to her about ever liking you. She lied when she said she was over you. I lied when I said I was her, she lied when she said it too. We’ve been lying so much I can hardly keep track of what lies we’ve told anymore.”
> 
> Not knowing what to say, Lucas didn’t say anything at all. He looked to her sympathetically, he thought about rubbing her head, after all it made him feel better. And he just wanted her to feel better. Instead he just scooted closer to her on the floor and put an arm around her shoulders. She leaned her head on his shoulder and sighed. “I feel like I lost her.” Maya let her head hang as her eyes welled up again. “Like in the last couple of years, everything got really good and really bad at the same time. I don’t even know how it’s possible but it feels that way. I’ve never not had Riley, she’s my safe place…but, safe places aren’t supposed to hurt…and it still hurts.”
> 
> And he went with his gut reaction and let his fingers move over her head, stroking her hair while she silently cried. She kept her head down, keeping her tears hidden even though they both knew it was happening. He didn’t want to sputter meaningless platitudes at her so he just held her for a while, wishing he could make up for the mess he was sure that he was responsible for.


	8. Chapter 8

> “I do not understand any of this.” Farkle blurted out as he looked back and forth between Riley and Maya. “You had a fight, but you’ve had them before. You said sorry, it’s supposed to be over.” Riley turned to Maya but Maya didn’t meet her glance as she may have in the past. 
> 
> “It’s not that simple anymore.” Maya replied while keeping her head down and eyes on her homework as they all sat around their normal table at Topanga’s. This time she glanced over to Riley, but Riley’s eyes were now on Farkle. It was something Lucas noticed they did a lot. They seemed to have lost their timing with one another – it was no longer as instinctual as it had once been.
> 
> Lucas shook his head at Farkle from behind Riley, trying to signal him to stop now. He didn’t want another fight to happen. But Farkle either didn’t get the hint or he didn’t care. “But why isn’t it that simple?” he pressed. “We’re all the same people, we’re all friends.”
> 
> Maya sighed, this time closing her book. “Listen, I’m not asking any of you to take sides, and I know you mean well, but will you please stop?” She asked in a much softer voice than was expected from her.
> 
> “But…I want to know too.” Riley added in sheepishly.
> 
> Maya could feel everyone’s eyes on her. She looked around at them all and knew she had a choice she had to make. Either cave and just fake her being okay with everything, or stand her ground and stop backing down and lying so much. The last eyes she met were Lucas’s and something in his apologetic look gave her the bit of courage she needed. 
> 
> Maya turned to Riley then. “I told you I needed some time. Riley, I know you’re sorry, and I know you don’t ever want to hurt anyone. But you have to understand that it’s not all I’m upset about. I’m upset with how I reacted to it all in the beginning. I need to figure out things with myself, and I told you that. And…” She took a breath, glancing around at the others before her eyes settled back on Riley once more. “I really don’t like feeling like everyone thinks I’m some kind of jerk because I don’t immediately go back to the way we were. Don’t you all see that the way we were wasn’t working?”
> 
> Riley’s face fell quickly but she didn’t want to speak up to the thoughts in her head. She understood she’d hurt Maya and she’d made a mistake. But the way Maya talked, it wasn’t just about her saying Maya turned into her – it was the way they were. Riley didn’t understand what was so wrong with how they’d been. They were best friends, they were practically sisters. 
> 
> None of them spoke, everyone just looked away, sensing even more tension than there had been before Farkle spoke. Even Farkle was quiet now. Maya settled on him for a moment, but he didn’t meet her gaze. She couldn’t help but think back, it was Farkle who spoke up about Riley’s feelings for Lucas, Farkle who was always looking out for Riley. He’d always said he loved them both the same, but as she really contemplated it all, she wasn’t so sure he wasn’t a little biased towards Riley’s happiness. Then again – she had the same bias since she met Riley.
> 
> Lucas was the only one who didn’t look away, catching her eyes and trying to silently give her some support. She locked her eyes on his and though she didn’t smile at him there was a softness there that made him think he understood his intentions. 
> 
> Maya let out a sigh and shoved her book back in the bag. She turned to Riley then, putting her ringed hand on Riley’s. “I love you, I’ll always love you. Just…give me a little time okay?” And with one last glance around at them all she walked out of the café.
> 
> As Maya left, she could hear them beginning to talk. Just as Lucas began telling Farkle he shouldn’t have said anything, Riley cut in over him. “Thanks for trying, Farkle.” And Maya smiled to herself as the door closed behind her without even considering _why_ it made her smile.
> 
> Maya wasn’t even surprised to see Lucas show up at her window that night. She smiled as she shook her head and pushed the window open. “Window again, huh?” He just shrugged. “It’s five-thirty, no one is sleeping.”
> 
> “Yeah, but I can’t stay, I’ve got to be home before dinner. I just wanted to come see you before I went home.” He didn’t climb in this time. “I’m sorry for Farkle. Apparently Riley was talking to him about being upset and he was just.”
> 
> “Trying to fix it for her.” Maya completed the sentence. “Yeah I figured.”
> 
> “I’m sorry he did that, especially right there with everyone. Are you okay?”
> 
> “You don’t have to keep checking on me, Huckleberry. I’m okay.”
> 
> “I didn’t say I came to check on you.” He reminded her. “I just said I wanted to see you before I went home.” He gave her a small smile that made her stomach flutter a little, betraying what she knew what right to feel for her best friend’s boyfriend.
> 
> Maya quickly brushed off the feeling and gave him a challenging smirk. “Mmhmm, I think you’re checking in.”
> 
> “Maybe a little.” 
> 
> She let out a small laugh. “I knew it.” Her eyes met his for a little longer than needed before she spoke again. “I’m good, Lucas. Really.” He was gone as quickly as he came leaving Maya with mixed feelings once more.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Over the next few weeks the tensions between everyone seemed to slowly fade. There was a new dynamic between them all, but no one seemed to be hurt by it any longer. Maya and Riley no longer spent all their time together, but it wasn’t due to angry feelings just expanding their horizons as people. Riley signed up for the school play and her afternoons filled with practice, while Maya’s were filled with truly making an effort with her studies. 
> 
> Shawn told Maya about his graduation speech, about how he wished he’d tried harder and wasn’t always struggling. That he knew he had it in him, and that deep down he truly wanted to know more than he’d allowed himself to admit. He liked to learn and suspected that Maya did too. The pride she’d shown with her better grades had proven that. 
> 
> Riley really enjoyed working on the play. She had a flair for dramatics and loved to make people laugh and smile. Every so often she missed Maya at her side, but she found other’s to laugh with and talk to. And as things with she and Maya were getting better as they also felt more real, Riley began to realize what Maya was talking about when they’d sat down to discuss everything. 
> 
> _“Riles, just…listen.” Maya began as they sat together in the bay window. “I love you, you’re my family and that will never change. But…” Riley seemed to be bracing herself for something awful. “I still think some things between us do need to change. I mean…we both want each other to be happy, right? But we both want it so much that we start lying to try to make it happen.” Riley went quiet then, feeling a bit ashamed for ever lying to Maya. “I don’t want to lie to you, I don’t want to keep anything from you and make some excuse for why I need to do it. It’s not fair to you and I kept telling myself it was okay because in the end you were happy. But…” Maya looked just as ashamed then. “It wasn’t right of me to do that to you, not for any reason. I’m sorry I ever lied to you, Riley.” Maya finally said words she’d needed to say for a long time._
> 
> But some things weren’t changing as much as Maya thought they might. Lucas’s headaches were happening less frequently, especially the bad ones, but he was still spending just as much time around her as he had been. But when he showed up at her window, Maya felt less like she was helping with his pain and more like she was doing something wrong. She felt a different kind of twist in his stomach when he tapped at her window that night. “Hey…” She said softly as she pushed the window open.
> 
> “Hey.” He replied with a smile but it fell when she didn’t return it.
> 
> “Lucas…” She took a breath, trying not to meet his eyes. “What’s up? Why are you here?”
> 
> “I wanted to see you.”
> 
> “Why?”
> 
> “I-I dunno?” He mumbled, feeling strange for needing to explain himself. “I wanted to see you, hang out for a bit.” 
> 
> “But why? Why do you want to see _me_? Why aren’t you with Riley?”
> 
> He leaned back a little. “I just…do.”
> 
> “Lucas, what are we doing?” She asked him, trying not to be upset. She couldn’t be angry with him, they hadn’t really don’t anything wrong. But there was something in the way they were that bothered her. “Why don’t you talk to me like this when we’re at Topangas?”
> 
> “Like what? I talk to you there.” Seeing he wasn’t coming inside tonight, Lucas sat down on the other side of the window.
> 
> “Not in the same way.” She told him softly. “You don’t talk about being scared of never being able to ride again, and you don’t admit when you’re hurt, you don't talk about your family with them. And...you don’t sit so close.” It wasn’t until she said it that he realized it all. Was he really that different when they were alone? He looked down at his knees for a moment. “Lucas…I like how we are. I like that you tell me stuff. But.”
> 
> He nodded. “No, I know. You’re right. I’m not being fair right now. I’m sorry.”
> 
> “It’s okay.” She told him. “But I think maybe you should come to the door from now on. And, um, maybe not so often.” She didn’t really want to say the words, she liked the time she spent with him, but she knew she _needed_ to say them.


	9. Chapter 9

> Lucas sat on the bleachers looking down at the football field. Now that he wasn’t spending his extra time with Maya he had more time alone with his thoughts. He thought back to the football game when he was injured. It was the pain that sent him to Maya and softened her enough to let him in after asking him to stay away. He replayed the accident, the way he fell, the slam he felt when his head hit the solid cold ground. It could have been anyone…
> 
> Feeling confused and a little lost, he was questioning everything. From his trying to be the good guy when he arrived, to hiding his past, to his temper and his jealousy. He’d wanted so much to be a certain kind of guy when he came to New York, and now it all seemed so blurry. He questioned what or who was behind the important choices he’d made and his feelings. 
> 
> When the ‘triangle’ came to mind he felt foolish and terrible. He’d wanted to be a good guy, he’d wanted to make all the right choices – and then he couldn’t make any choice at all. He realized how unfair it had been for him to even be part of it – he should have just stopped it all, stepped back. But instead he’d made them both feel like they were with him, made them both feel like he couldn’t choose between them. He began to think about how he would feel if the tables had been turned, if Riley couldn’t choose between him and Charlie. All he could think was how livid he would be. He thought about how bad it would make him feel to know he wasn’t good enough to choose right away and how it would make him question what he was lacking that the other guy had. 
> 
> Just as he wondered how badly he’d made both girls feel despite them never saying a word, Riley started up the bleachers. She had finished rehearsal for the night and spotted him as she was leaving. He didn’t turn to her until she said hi to him and sat down. “Are you okay?” She asked before she glanced down at the field. “Are you missing football?”
> 
> Lucas looked down as she took his hand. What was he doing? Slowly he met her eyes. “Not really.” And then she cocked her head to the side to meet his eyes and smiled. Lucas couldn’t help but give her a smile in return, it was impossible not to smile if Riley did. “I…I want to talk to you but I don’t know how.”
> 
> “You can tell me anything. Remember, our most important conversations should be with each other.” And while she meant those words to be comforting they made him feel worse.
> 
> “Do you ever find that hard?” He asked. “I know I was the one who said that’s how it should be, but I think it’s hard sometimes to keep to it.” 
> 
> “Yeah.” She admitted with a nod. “Sometimes when something is on my mind I just want to talk about it with who is there, or someone I know has been through the same thing. And some things are just for Maya.”
> 
> He nodded. “Yeah, I get that…” he paused for a moment. “I guess I just don’t want to hurt you.”
> 
> Riley smiled at him just as brightly as ever. “You would never hurt me, Lucas” She tried to assure him, but he wasn’t convinced. 
> 
> “I never _want_ to. Not ever.” Her sweet gaze settled on him, smiling to assure him that she knew the truth. “I’ve been thinking about stuff and, um…” He reached up, scratching the back of his head. Maya would have told him to just spit it out, but Riley was so patient and sweet she just looked at him, waiting. “I really like you, Riley.”
> 
> “I really like you too.”
> 
> “But.” He continued. “I think that the way I like you is more of a friend kind of way.”
> 
> “Oh.” Her face fell. 
> 
> Just watching the smile fade made him feel terrible. “You’re one of my best friends and that is something really important to me. I’ve been thinking about us, about when we met and everything that’s happened between us. And all of our friends who were there through it all. I came to New York feeling miserable, I’d messed up a lot, I had to leave all my friends and a lot of my family…but then I met you.” He smiled a little at her. “You brightened my days; you were my first friend, first real kiss, and my first real girlfriend. And don’t get me wrong, I love all that, Riley. I’m so happy for all of those things but…I’ve been thinking about how you said a while back how you’ve felt the same for me since the first day we met.” 
> 
> “I meant it.” She replied softly, not sure how she should even feel as he continued on.
> 
> “I know, and I feel the same way. But…” He let out a sigh. “I think maybe we _should_ feel different. Not bad different, not like we don’t like each other, but…that we should like each other more.”
> 
> “Yeah…” She began, taking in his words. Was he right? “Lucas?” She looked up at him with big eyes. “Are we breaking up?”
> 
> * * *
> 
> **I’m outside, can we talk?** Maya’s phone buzzed with the message from Lucas. Her brow furrowed as she read it. Immediately she went to her window and looked down where he was sitting on the front stoop. “What in the…” She muttered to herself as she shook her head. What was he doing? She pulled on her hoodie, yelled to her parents that she’d be back just before the door closed behind her.
> 
> She gave him a long look from the top of the steps. “You really don’t like doors anymore do you, Huckleberry?”
> 
> Her voice caught him off guard, his head turning quickly to look behind him. He watched her come down the steps and didn’t speak until she sat down beside him. “Well I didn’t know if you’d want me to come in.” 
> 
> “That’s when I just have Shawn tell you I’m not home.” She nudged him playfully when he gave her a mock glare. “So what’s up, Lucas? You haven’t made one of these stops in a couple weeks.”
> 
> “Well you asked me not to.”
> 
> “Yeah…but I didn’t figure you’d stay away completely. I just figured you’d use a door.”
> 
> “Something happened tonight.” She shifted to face him more as he spoke, her brow furrowing with a slight worry at his tone. “Um, Riley and I broke up.”
> 
> “What?!” She exclaimed, getting to her feet. “When? What happened?!”
> 
> “Tonight, after her practice.” He told her, less sad than just introspective about everything. 
> 
> Maya pulled out her phone and quickly looked for a missed call or text from Riley. But there was nothing, Riley wasn’t turning to her with this – which only made Maya more concerned. “What did you do?” She snapped at him.
> 
> He stood then. “What did I do? Why is it automatically me?” But her expression made him cave. “I just told her the truth.”
> 
> “What truth? Lucas I swear if you told her you were going to pick me…”
> 
> “No! I wouldn’t do that. I just told her that I felt like we were better friends and that meant a lot to me.”
> 
> “Then why didn’t she call me?” She sighed a little, looking over at him. “Why didn’t she call me, Lucas? It would make sense if she blamed me, but…”
> 
> “Maya, it just happened, maybe she’s just dealing with it in her own way.” 
> 
> But Maya just shook her head. “No. Something’s wrong. How did she act? Did she cry? Did she say anything?” The space that had grown between Riley and Maya showed more and more now. 
> 
> “No, I’d have told you if she cried, Maya.” He let out a heavy breath, did she think he was _that_ insensitive? 
> 
> “Well what did she say?”
> 
> “She told me she understood where I was coming from and that our friendship was really important to her too. She said it was okay and we hugged. It was okay, Maya.”
> 
> But Maya shook her head. “No. No, it couldn’t have been that simple.”
> 
> “You think I’m lying to you?”
> 
> “No.” She replied easily, her temper calmed now. “I think she lied to you.”
> 
> Lucas didn’t totally understand how that was possible. Riley wasn’t a good liar…was she? But Maya wasn’t there any longer to ask. She’d told him quickly she had to go and was more than halfway down the block by the time her words sunk in.
> 
> * * *
> 
> The window was closed. 
> 
> It was the first observation Maya made when she walked up to the building. Riley’s window was closed. But it didn’t stop her from climbing the fire escape she knew so well. Riley sat alone in the window and Maya gave a little tap to get her attention. Riley looked over, it was the last person she expected to see, but the one she soon realized she’d wanted to see most of all. Riley pushed open the window letting in a cool night breeze along with Maya. The young blonde moved quickly inside and immediately wrapped her arms around Riley.
> 
> “Hey pumpkin.” Maya said softly as she hugged Riley close. Tears were shed as Riley explained what happened. That she had known something was off, but thought it was just that he didn’t feel well again. She told Maya how she found him – that he hadn’t come looking for her. 
> 
> “Do you think that if I hadn’t gone up there we’d still be together?” Riley asked, but before Maya could say anything she spoke again. “No, don’t answer. I don’t want to know.”
> 
> There was more talking and hugs before the tears completely stopped. “I’m sorry sweetie.” Maya said softly, stroking Riley’s hair as she lay her head on her best friend’s lap. 
> 
> “It’s okay.” Riley said as she sat up. “I mean…he’s not entirely wrong. We probably _should_ have different feelings…right?” It was something Maya had thought herself once before, but instead she just shrugged in reply. She didn’t want to lie, they’d just talked about it, but this felt like a really bad time to agree…maybe in a few days.
> 
> It was the first time the two spent the night together since the fight they’d had. And the first time Maya felt like they were really going to be okay with their friendship changing. 


	10. Chapter 10

> Lucas laid beside Maya on her bedroom floor, both on their stomachs with their algebra books open before them. Maya let out an exasperated sigh and closed her book. “This is so stupid. It’s math. Numbers. Who said we needed letters in the mix?”
> 
> “C’mon Maya, you know this stuff.” He opened her book and pointed down. “Just because it’s letters doesn’t mean it’s not math. And math always has an answer right? And the best part is there are formulas that do the work for you.”
> 
> It was almost an hour of working and practice questions from the book before she handed him her page. “Okay Moral Compass, how did I do this time?” Lucas just rolled his eyes as he took her page and checked it against the answers in the back of the book. 
> 
> “This is the part where you say ‘Lucas you were right, thank you oh so much for your help.’” He teased her with a smirk before handing the page back. She’d gotten nearly all of them right and seeing her work put a giant smile on Maya’s face. She didn’t even think as she nearly tackled him with a hug. Lucas laughed as he hugged her back, but as their eyes met so close together, his laughter faded. “I...told you that you could do it.” He muttered softly.
> 
> Neither of them moved apart instead just stared at one another for what felt like ages. Their gazes moved from eyes to lips before it happened. It was the ultimate betrayal, Maya was sure it was, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself as her lips collided with Lucas’s. Neither knew which one moved in first, it was if they were like magnets being pulled together. 
> 
> Maya was the first to pull back, looking at Lucas with wide eyes. “I…you.” She took a few deep breaths. 
> 
> “Maya…I….” While he hadn’t intended it to happen, he couldn’t say he’d never thought about it, never wanted it. They both sat up as they pulled apart, looking at one another, trying to figure out where they stood with the other. And finally he decided the truth was best. “I’m not sorry.”
> 
> “I…I can’t do this.” She told him, shaking her head and standing up. He stood as well, looking at her with confused eyes. “Lucas...Riley, you know she…”
> 
> “We broke up, she understood.”
> 
> “It was only three weeks ago and she was still sad. Do you know how much she’d hate me? How hurt she’d be?” The worry was showing in her blue eyes. “Everything is finally going right with us and if you and I…” she shook her head. 
> 
> “Maya, I like you…you know I do.”
> 
> “She’d be crushed.”
> 
> “I thought you said you were going to stop lying to her.”
> 
> “That’s not fair!” She snapped back quickly and he was instantly apologetic.
> 
> “I-I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.” He sighed and took a step closer. “I shouldn’t have said that, I mean, did you ever tell her how you really felt? I know you like me, Maya.”
> 
> “No, I don’t.” But he just stared at her with a knowing look. “I can’t. I can’t do that to her.”
> 
> “Can’t even tell her?”
> 
> “No. She’s going to think you broke up because of me. I won’t hurt her like that.”
> 
> “I don’t want to hurt Riley, you know I don’t. But I don’t think it will. She’s been fine, we all hang out now, we’re all laughing and having fun again. I really think if you just talked to her she would understand.” He watched her for a moment. “But you don’t….” She slowly shook her head. “Why not? Has she said something? If she’s upset still I want to know, I want to make things right with her.”
> 
> “She hasn’t said anything, I just…I don’t think...”
> 
> “Okay…okay.” He gave in after watching her struggle. “It’s okay.” He took in a deep breath. “I’m sorry, okay? It’s my fault.” She furrowed her brow at him, he was taking the blame in case she did tell Riley this happened, she could tell. But much like herself, he wasn’t really sorry for the kiss, just for the situation. He stepped in closer to her once more, “I hate that this is so damn complicated.” He sighed as he reached up as if he was going to touch the side of her face but stopped himself just before he reached her.
> 
> Maya looked up at him and she felt like there was some line being drawn between them. A line she thought as already there – but realizing it wasn’t she no longer wanted it to exist. “I…” She sighed. “I know, I do too.” She told him softly. And while she wanted him to grab her face once more, she didn’t stop him from letting his hand drop. She turned away from him then and began to pick up her school work.
> 
> “Yeah…” He went for his book as well. “I should get going.” She nodded at his words but didn’t speak, didn’t even want to turn and see him knowing the urge to continue that kiss would come again. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said and got a smile out of her this time as he slipped back out the window just as he’d come in.
> 
> “Bye, Huckleberry.” She said softly as she looked out the window to see him walking down the block.
> 
> * * *
> 
> The next few months felt like a blur of stolen glances and fake smiles for Maya. She never let on about the kiss, not to anyone, but she couldn’t stop thinking about it. Unbeknownst to her, neither could Lucas. The two never spoke about it after it happened, both waiting for the other to break the silence. 
> 
> Before they even realized it, New Years passed – this time without spending it standing next to one another. And Valentine’s Day was upon them. Riley passed out hand-made paper hearts with extra glitter that seemed to be on everything within only moments. But no themed affections were shared between Lucas and Maya, in fact they seemed to be avoiding one another all day.
> 
> It was St. Patrick’s Day that sparked something between the two of them again. When she walked into study hall he wasn’t at their table and Maya smiled a little. She liked him being there with her, but on the days he was out, it seemed easier somehow – less of a struggle to remain normal despite being so close. She’d been trying for months to get used to being around him and not letting it bother her or letting on it was more than that. She hadn’t wanted anything to change after the kiss – she chose instead to pretend it never happened. 
> 
> Lucas hated pretending, he hated that he had to hold it all in. He wanted to kiss her again. He wanted to be allowed to look at her with all the affection he felt inside for her – affection he’d been told he showed anyway even though he wasn’t meaning to. He’d tried to talk to her about it over the past months, but she avoided any topic close to it all. He didn’t know what was happening between them anymore. If she was over him – though her stolen glances seemed to say otherwise. He didn’t think it was about Riley anymore, after all it had been ages since he’d been with Riley and things were completely back to normal with her now. 
> 
> He saw his chance to find out on March 17th. He took one look at her that morning and knew exactly what he was going to do. Study hall came at the end of the day and she was always coming in just at the bell. He didn’t wait for her at the table, instead he stood out of sight between the stacks of books. 
> 
> As she walked towards the table she’d claimed long ago as her own his arm reached out from the rows of books. She felt him grab her hand and pull her towards him. She barely had a moment to see that it was Lucas that had pulled her between the books before his hands took hold of her face like it had long before. He didn’t hesitate at her eyes this time though. Instead he moved in quick, no time to talk himself out of it or let her stop him. He kissed her with everything that had been building inside him since autumn.
> 
> Her first reaction was instinctual, a hand to his chest ready to stop him. But as soon as his lips pressed to hers, she didn’t push him away, instead her hand gripped at his shirt to keep him close. She leaned into him as his hands moved back into her hair. He didn’t care if anyone saw them, he didn’t care if they got into trouble. He knew there was a chance this would be his last kiss with her and he wanted to make it count. 
> 
> When she finally came to her senses, Maya broke the kiss. Her hand loosened on his shirt and she pushed him back away from her. “What the hell are you doing?!” She whispered loudly as her brows furrowed up at him as she pushed him back a little more.
> 
> Lucas gave her a playful smirk and nodded down to her shirt. “Just following orders.” 
> 
> She looked at him as if he were crazy. “Wha?” But as she looked down, remembering what she was wearing she glared up at him once more. The green shirt bore the words ‘Kiss Me I’m Irish’ across the front. “You…that is the most idiotic thing…” She muttered as she shook her head at him and turned away. But he grabbed her hand again and pulled her back once more. 
> 
> She turned back to him, looking up at him and feeling helpless for a moment. She was torn between loving him and hating him. And so she gave in for just a moment. She moved in close to him again, her hand moving up around the back of his neck. He slid an arm around her waist and pulled her small frame against him as he kissed her a second time. The second kiss was softer, more thought out rather than on a whim. He was sure the first time he was risking a smack, but this time he just relaxed into the kiss, wanting nothing more than for that moment to last as long as it could.


	11. Chapter 11

Lucas was quiet for a long time as he sat in the bay window with Riley. This wasn’t his place, this was Maya’s place, but he knew she was having so much trouble coming to Riley with this one. He was sure that if he just talked to Riley she would understand, that in the end it would make things easier for the two of them – and maybe easier for him and Maya as well.

“Lucas?” Riley asked finally, looking to him curiously. “You’ve been quiet for a really long time…is something wrong?”

He looked up, maybe this was why Maya could never do it; this was harder than he thought. “Well…kind of, I mean I want to talk to you, I just…”

“Yes?”

He looked back and forth between her and the floor a few times before he took a deep breath and went for it, speaking very fast to get it all out in the single breath. “I think I’m in love with Maya and want to go out with her but don’t want to hurt you or make anything weird between all of us again.”

Riley’s big eyes seemed to go even wider as she took in his words. _In love with Maya?_ “Um…okay.” She swallowed and thought it all over again. “Well…why are you telling me and not her?” She asked him a bit more bluntly than he expected.

“Well, you know, like I said, I don’t want to hurt you. And I really don’t want things to be like they were before with us all.”

“I think if there’s one thing we’ve all learned from the past year it’s that we’re going to get hurt, and we’re going to hurt each other but we’re good enough friends to deal with it.” He nodded as she spoke, “I’m a big girl, and it might hurt a little but it might not. Either way, it shouldn’t dictate how you carry on other relationships.”

“Yeah, but it’s…”

“It’s Maya, I know. But isn’t that kind of the point, if it was anyone else would you be here talking to me about it?”

“I would care.” He offers, but he knew what she meant.

* * *

“Maya?” Riley paused the movie on her laptop. She’d been thinking a lot since she spoke to Lucas and wanted to get it all out in the open. “You meant what you said before about us not lying anymore right?”

“Of course.” Maya replied, waiting for the show to start up again but Riley didn’t reach for the keyboard, instead she took a deep breath and just put it out there.

“Do you still have feelings for Lucas?”

Maya’s eyes went wide as they stared at the frozen screen. “What?” She asked softly. “Why would you ask me that?”

“Do you?” Maya let out a lame chuckle in reply as she thought back through everything that she’d said and done, had she let on? Had Riley seen something? Riley closed the laptop completely this time and turned her body in the bay window to completely face the blonde beside her. “Maya.” She spoke softly, reminding her best friend with just the use of her name that they’d promised no more lies. 

“Yes.” Maya replied with her head hanging low. She looked up to Riley. “But I don’t want to, okay? And I’m not going to do anything about it. I mean…okay, since I’m being completely honest, we kissed. Once.” Riley’s eyes locked onto her best friend at this – Lucas hadn’t mentioned a kiss. “Okay three times!” Maya blurted out, feeling guilty just from the simple gaze in Riley’s eyes. “I’m sorry, I know it’s awful and I never should have let it happen. I’m so sorry, Riley.”

“Why…why didn’t you tell me?” Riley asked, not sure which part of it all was bothering her the most.

“I didn’t want to hurt you.” Maya replied. “And I didn’t want us to fight. We’re finally good again and everything has been going so well. And when you guys broke up I didn’t want you to ever think it was because of me or that I moved in on him or something.” 

Riley sat very still as she listened, taking in all in. When she finally spoke she looked Maya directly in the eyes. “You have to stop.”

“I know! And I did, it hasn’t happened since and it won’t happen again.” Maya wanted so much to take it all back, to reverse time somehow and get things back to a good place once more.

“No. Not that! You have to stop trying to protect me all the time.” Maya’s brow furrowed as Riley spoke. “That’s what started all the lying, the ‘Riley Protection Squad’ and you guys trying to keep me happy all the time no matter what it did to you. And then I’d lie to you so you would think it was working and it just made everything worse. You can’t keep trying to protect me by keeping things from me, especially things that are important to you.”

“This isn’t….”

“Yes it is, Maya! You know it is! If it wasn’t important to you then you wouldn’t need to hide it from me.” Maya bit at her bottom lip, trying to keep her heavy emotions at bay as she nodded. Riley was right, she’d even said it herself, the lying had to stop. 

“I’m sorry.” She said softly before Riley’s arms were wrapping around her. 

“I know, Peaches.” Riley smiled as Maya hugged her back. “Old habits are hard to break.” As they pulled apart, Riley tucked back Maya’s hair. “It’s always going to be you and me, no matter what boys are around. So, talk to me. Tell me what happened, tell me how you feel.” Seeing the hesitation in her best friend, Riley extended her hand. “Thunder.”

Maya clasped it and smiled. “Lightening.”

“This is forever, Maya, I am not going to be mad at you no matter what you say, okay? Just tell me.”

And with their hands still linked together Maya began to speak, spilling out more than she ever intended to. “I never stopped liking Lucas. I just…felt like it meant more to you and that the triangle was tearing us apart so I lied about how I felt or…how I didn’t feel.” Maya shrugged a little, she’d apologized for her lies already, Riley was right, it was better to just get it all out now. “I don’t know what’s going to happen, or even what I want to happen, all I know is we’ve kissed a couple of times.” Riley looked on expectantly, waiting for more. 

“The first time we were studying at my house, he was helping me with Algebra and I was really happy when it was finally making sense and I hugged him and… I don’t know how it even happened. Just one second we were looking at each other and the next we were kissing. And I yelled at him.” Maya looked down feeling slightly guilty. “I didn’t want anything to come between you and me and so I told him it never happened and I just kind of…ignored it. He wanted to talk about it, talk about you and me and everything. But I wouldn’t. I think I was frustrating him. No, I know I was.” Maya thought of how many times she avoided him and all he’d wanted to say. “I think that’s why he kissed me again, trying to make me talk about it or something. Blamed it on my Kiss me I’m Irish shirt. And, um, I kissed him once more after that.”

“So wait, you’ve been holding all this in for all this time?!” Riley’s eyes were wide, but not in anger, but in pure amused shock. She realized then that while somewhere deep down she would always care for Lucas, he was her first boyfriend, and he would always be special to her. But…she knew it wasn’t right for them, they weren’t 7th graders anymore. “Maya, this is crazy. You two both want to be together and you won’t because of me? Lucas and I haven’t been a couple in what? 6 months? He and I don’t feel like that for each other anymore. But you two have had something between you since you met, I know you have.”

Maya turned away from her friend then, looking out the window at the city she knew so well. “I know…” She muttered softly. “But he was better for you, we all knew that. You’re both so nice and always see the best in everything.” She offered a small smile to Riley but only barely met her eyes before she looked back outside. “Riles, I…what if something happens and then you realize that you really do still like him. We’ve all been in this stupid cycle for so long it’s hard to even keep track anymore.”

Riley had a way of living with rose-colored glasses on, seeing everything happy, but when she really focused she was able to see the truths, the truths that she didn’t always let her friends know she saw. She wasn’t as clueless as she sometimes let them believe, but the felt like heroes when they protected her and she hadn’t wanted to take that away from them. She wanted them to know they made her happy. But now, she took off the metaphorical glasses and watched Maya. She studied her best friend for a long quiet moment before she spoke. 

“You’re scared.” Maya looked over as Riley broke the silence but didn’t say a word. Riley locked eyes with Maya, reading her like a book. “You’re scared of being with Lucas…” She cocked her head to the side. “Why?”

Maya shrugged a little as she looked away once more. “I don’t know.”

“He won’t hurt you. You know that, right?” When Maya didn’t reply, Riley continued. “He came here to talk to me yesterday.” Maya’s eyes went wide, he did _what_? “He wanted to know how I felt because he wants to be with you.” She reached for Maya with a bright smile – her hopeless romantic side showing brightly. “Maya he told me he loves you.”

“He said what?!” Maya snapped then, all fears for the unknown relationship slipping out as the outrage hit her. 

“He said he thinks he’s in love with you and wants you to be together.” Riley replied, her rose glasses back on as she ignored the look on Maya’s face being far from enamored at the idea. Maya’s fists clenched as Riley smiled and almost swooned. “I know it’s weird for me to be all for this, but I really think this is how it’s supposed to be. I mean think about it…we’ve all been friends for so long and we’ve been through so much, especially the two of you…and now you’re coming together. It’s like a movie.”

Maya took a deep breath and turned to Riley again. “Riles…Riles listen. I really appreciate how supportive you’re being. Even if it’s a little weird. But…can we please talk about something else? _Anything_ else?”

“But-“

“Seriously, I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I can’t believe he would come here and talk to you about us, that he would say _that_. I just don’t want to even think about this right now.”

“Are you mad that he talked to me?”

“Honestly? Yes, a little bit.”

“At me?” Riley’s eyes filled with concern. 

“Oh, sweetie no!” Maya smiled and moved closer to hug Riley close. “Never at you. I’m mad at him. He shouldn’t have come talking to you about me. And he shouldn’t have said all that.” Riley let out a sigh, but before she could speak, Maya jumped in. “No, I don’t mean because of protecting you or something, I mean because he went around me trying to get your permission for something I didn’t even agree to. And he, he doesn’t even know what he’s talking about.”

* * *

**OUTSIDE NOW** Lucas could hear her voice as he read the text, he could see fire in her eyes – what he hadn’t expected was that it would make him smile. He slipped outside the brownstone and watched as she paced back and forth a few times as she waited. He barely made it down the steps before she was in his face. “I can’t believe you did that!” She shouted, not caring who was looking at them on the street. 

“Did what?” he asked, a boyish smirk on his lips as he played innocent. “I’m Lucas the Good remember? I wouldn’t do anything to merit being yelled at.”

She let out a groan of frustration. Damn him and that smile. Damn him smelling so good. She gave him a shove as she stepped back. “You talked to Riley!”

“Well you weren’t going to.” He muttered as he sat down on the steps. She shot him a fierce glare. “Oh, c’mon Maya, is what I did really so awful?”

“Yes!” She snapped back. “You didn’t even talk to me first before you go asking for Riley’s permission.”

“I didn’t ask for her-“

“And you tell her that you love me?!” She turned fast, hair whipping around her face as she locked her eyes on him. She didn’t notice how he refused to meet her eyes then. “Now she’s turned to fucking mush and talking like we’re in some stupid John Green book.” But it was then she saw the red tint on his face and she rolled her eyes. “Oh give me a break! You don’t love me.” 

He looked up at her with a mix of hurt and confusion laced with embarrassment. “How do you know that?” He asked her, standing as he challenged her. He moved in close as she tried her best to glare at him. “How do you know I don’t love you?” he took her hand and put it to his chest where her small fingers instinctively gripped his shirt. “I know how I feel about you.” He told her as he moved in, closing the gap between them as he held her cheek in his hand. He kissed her softly at first but in little time the kiss grew deeper and his hand moved into her hair. 

As the two kissed they ignored the rest of the city, Maya’s guilt for kissing him at all was slipping away and Lucas was sure things were finally going how he’d wanted them to go from the moment he met her. As they pulled back he thought it was the perfect time to really seal in the fact that his words were true. “I – ” But she cut him off. 

“Don’t say it.” She told him, kissing him once more. His brow furrowed in confusion, what girl didn’t want to hear she was loved? But there was something in her eyes that told him not to push it. So he smiled and nodded before he kissed her again.

“Can I say I like you?” He muttered against her lips.

“Mmhmm.” She hummed back 

“That you’re beautiful?” He asked as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against him. He could feel her breath against him as he held her close.

“Hmmm….okay.” She pretended to ponder before she pressed a kiss to his neck.

“Can I say I want to take you out tomorrow night?”

She grinned a little and pulled back to see his face. She eyed him almost teasingly. “You can say you _want_ to…doesn’t mean you get to.”

“Oh no?” She shook her head in reply, doing all she could to hold the taunting smirk on her face. “Guess I’ll just have to say I _am_ taking you out tomorrow night then.”

“Better watch it, cowboy-” She began but he cut her off with another kiss and her biting comeback was lost.


	12. Chapter 12

> “What’s wrong?” Maya asked immediately as she walked into the Matthew’s apartment with Riley. Cory, Topanga, Katy and Shawn all sat around the kitchen table looking at the girls as they walked in. Her thoughts always went towards bad news, it was instinctual for her. Unlike Maya, Riley only looked curious rather than worried. 
> 
> “Come sit down baby girl, we’d like to talk to you.” Katy began, patting the empty place on the bench beside her. 
> 
> Maya’s eyes darted around at all of them and then to Riley. The two girls moved in unison to the table, sitting together and looking around at their parents. Maya reached for Riley’s hand under the table, sure that this had to be bad news. They wanted her to have people around otherwise Katy and Shawn would have just talked to her at home. “What’s wrong?” She asked once more nearly bracing herself for the worst news she could imagine – Shawn leaving. They’d gotten married fast, could they have decided it wasn’t working out already? 
> 
> Shawn sat directly across from Maya at the table, looking over at her and seeming to know where her mind was going. The two of them shared the same kind of mentality – often thinking they were doomed to the worst. He gave her a smile. “Nothing’s wrong.”
> 
> “So then why…” She began, not needing to finish the sentence, as she glanced around at them all. Katy gave Shawn a nod and he slid a large manila envelope across the table. Maya looked down with a furrowed brow. What in the world was going on? She eyed them all, but they all just watched her expectantly. She opened the envelope and pulled out a stack of papers – taking in the header first: Family Court of the State of New York….in the matter of Adoption… 
> 
> Maya froze, eyes wide and quickly looked up at Shawn. “You want to adopt me?!” She asked excitedly and Riley’s eyes too went wide, looking down at the paper in Maya’s hand.
> 
> “If that’s what you want.” Katy told her daughter, putting a hand on her shoulder. They hadn’t filed the papers yet, deciding to discuss it all with Maya first in a setting she was comfortable with. They knew there was a chance she would want to talk in the window with Riley or even hear what the Matthew’s had to say. 
> 
> Maya didn’t think as she pushed off the bench and was leaping over the table. Shawn laughed as he caught her, hugging her to him as he pulled her down off the table and stood up. The others laughed and smiled as Maya clung to Shawn. “Is that a yes?” He asked the small blonde with a chuckle. 
> 
> Maya pulled back some and nodded with tears in her eyes. “So I’ll be Maya Hunter?”
> 
> “Only if you want to be.” He replied.
> 
> Another happy nod came with her words. “I want to be…dad…daddy…dad? Daddy? Dad.” She tested out the names bringing more laughter to Shawn’s life. After few minutes passed and they all sat back down Maya’s mind began to think over all the other aspects of this change. “What…” She began and turned to her mother. “What about Kermit?”
> 
> It was strange for Katy to hear Maya call her father by his first name rather than to call him dad. She was truly accepting Shawn as her father very quickly but seemed to still have concerns about the past. “I called him.” Katy replied. “We talked about what was best for you and how he would feel.”
> 
> “He didn’t care, did he?” Maya asked and a few of the once smiling faces around began to drop. Riley took her best friend’s hand and have it a squeeze. Her mother’s lack of a reply gave Maya her answer. She put a smile on her face and nodded. “Well good” Her smile was almost believable and she met Shawn’s eyes. “I want you.”
> 
> Katy hugged her daughter at the same time as Riley and a few smiled came back. But not Shawn’s. He eyed Maya for a moment and then stood. He extended his hand out to her. “C’mon let’s go talk.” She took his hand and he led her to Riley’s room where they took a seat in the window. “Are you sure about this? We don’t have to rush anything if you’re not ready.” He told her, looking at her with soft eyes – having a strong suspicion about how she was feeling. “You know I’m not going anywhere no matter what you decide.”
> 
> “It’s not that.” She replied with a slight shrug.
> 
> “Upset about your dad?” he asked her knowingly, and she just looked away. “Did I ever tell you how the Matthews wanted to adopt me?” 
> 
> “No.” She told him, her eyes back on him curiously. 
> 
> “I said no.” He told her. “I was sure my dad would be back and I didn’t want him to think someone else took his place. I loved my dad even though he wasn’t around much. He didn’t really know how to be a dad. He ran off looking for my mom, or trying to find a job…he tried, but he never quite made it to ‘Matthews’ kind of parenting.” He explained. “But I think my situation is a little different than yours.” He continued. “I’m not going to bash your dad, without him you wouldn’t be in the world and I wouldn’t want a world without you in it. But my dad tried, in his own messed up way, and I don’t know that yours really does. I think you deserve more, and I’d like to give it to you. But if you’re not ready for that I would understand, everyone would. This is about what _you_ want.”
> 
> “I-I know he’s never coming back.” She told him. “And I _do_ want you to be my dad.” She looked down, swallowing hard. “I just…” Maya hesitated, trying to find words to explain how she felt. “Why doesn’t he care? It’s like you said, without him I wouldn’t be in the world. He helped make me, he was around for the first seven years…mostly. But then it was just like I didn’t exist anymore, and now…” She could feel her eyes welling with tears – tears for a man she was still so angry with. She knew he didn’t deserve her tears but she couldn’t help it. “Why doesn’t he care, Shawn? What is so bad about me that he would just give me up without a second thought?”
> 
> “Oh, sweetheart, no.” He furrowed his brow, hurting for her. Shawn pulled Maya close, hugging her as she cried against him – no longer as scared of her tears as he’d once been. “Nothing is bad about you. _Nothing_. I don’t know why he made the choices he did. I wish I could give you the answers you need, I really do. If I thought it would help I’d find him tonight and ask him, but…I don’t think it would really make you feel any better.” He stroked her hair a few times and pulled back enough to see her eyes. “All I can do is tell you that I love you as if you were mine and promise you that I will never leave.”
> 
> Maya sniffled and nodded. “Because you’re a stayer.” She said with a small smile, reminded of one of their past talks in this same room. 
> 
> “Just like you.” He told her offering his own smile. 
> 
> Maya wiped her face on the back of her hands and nodded, smiling up at him. “I want you to adopt me.” She told him.
> 
> “You don’t have to decide this today.”
> 
> “I know. But I did. I want a real dad and a real family…I want to be Maya Hunter.”
> 
> * * *
> 
>  
> 
> The hallways at school seemed like the place that relationships were shown off. People held hands, kissed against the lockers, and fought openly. It was something Riley didn’t think would happen between her friends. Smackle and Farkle were far too controlled, she and Lucas were too shy…but it wasn’t until she saw Lucas take hold of Maya’s hand as they walked down the hall that she knew the dynamics of the group would change. 
> 
> It took Maya more than a week to be sure Riley was okay with her and Lucas before she let her best friend see any sign of affection between the two of them. But finally she began to let herself show him more than taunting. It was far different than the first time they’d tried to date in middle school. There wasn’t a nervousness between them now, there wasn’t a lack for conversation – and when there was the two simply filled it with kissing instead of feeling awkward.
> 
> Of course the taunting and teasing didn’t end between them, if anything it was more frequent than it had been before. On some level it had always been the way they’d shown affection for one another and it only made them know the other cared when they heard a silly nickname or mocking accent. Lucas would always be Huckleberry and Maya would be called Penelope with a smirk and on a few occasions ‘short stack’ - though that one still got him an elbow in the side.
> 
> Riley found herself less into the romantic aspect of it all as she’d been when she urged Maya towards Lucas weeks before. As time had gone by it became more and more apparent that the relationship she had with Lucas was on a different level than the one he had with Maya. It was a perfect first boyfriend, she knew that, it was sweet and had no pressure. It was friends falling for one another – just like her parents. But…her parents had moved past the sweet innocent kisses into something more mature…something she and Lucas hadn’t done. 
> 
> Riley began to wonder if it was her, he’d been passionate with Maya – even at the campfire – but with her he was different. Sheepish even. He seemed to treat her like she was breakable, but never with Maya. She’d caught them kissing at school once – after school in the art room where Maya still spent Thursday afternoons. Riley went to find her best friend and instead found the two of them making out – much like the couple she and Maya had seen at the start of school. She wasn’t ready for that…but Lucas _clearly_ was. She wondered what her other friends were doing? Were they as advanced as Maya and Lucas? Was she the only one who still wasn’t ready?
> 
> It made Riley feel awkward to hang out with them alone. Knowing if she wasn’t there they would be kissing again – possibly more than kissing. Just the idea that they’d done more than making out made Riley feel uncomfortable. The two never tried to make anyone feel awkward around them, they kept their PDA at bay most of the time, only holding hands or an arm around the other when the whole group hung out. It wasn’t a conscious choice, the two just felt that some things were only for the two of them. However, Riley still felt as if she didn’t belong sometimes. She wasn’t bothered by Maya and Lucas together, she didn’t want him back. She saw quickly how the two seemed to fit together in a way she hadn’t understood before. She just felt like a third wheel in a way, as if she just didn’t belong there, like she was keeping them from something else they’d rather be doing.
> 
> As they all sat around Topanga’s, Riley had that same feeling in her stomach once more. Maya sat close to Lucas, her hand resting on his leg while his arm was draped around the back of the couch. It wasn’t overly physical or affectionate, they just sat close together, but something about it made Riley feel like she shouldn’t be there. They were discussing plans for the weekend, no couple talk, and Zay wasn’t attached either…but Riley still felt like she didn’t quite belong. At least not until the mood changed completely when the door opened.
> 
> “Hey, hey, hey!” Josh called out with a wide smile as he walked into the bakery. 
> 
> “Hey Uncle Josh!” Almost immediately, Riley felt more relaxed and her bright smile returned. “What’s going on?”
> 
> “It’s pot roast night.” He replied as he plopped down on the corner chair nearest Maya. “Cory invited me. So what’s everybody talking about?” Riley focused on her uncle, telling him about recent events and what had been happening with the six of them. As soon as she stopped to take a breath, Josh leaned towards Maya. “Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?” He asked softly. 
> 
> Lucas instantly tensed up, taking in a breath and holding it as Maya and Josh stepped away from the group. Lucas couldn’t bring himself to even look over his shoulder as Josh led his girlfriend towards the chairs in the back near the books. He knew if he turned he’d stare them down and not be able to turn back around. 
> 
> “Hey Lucas, you okay there?” Zay asked, nearly smirking.
> 
> Josh reached a hand forward to place on Maya’s back as they walked, but she quickly stepped out of his reach and sat down. “So what’s up?” She asked, leaning back in her seat and keeping her distance from him as he leaned forwards towards her.
> 
> “Is everything okay?” He asked with those same wide sweet eyes Riley often possessed. “I texted you and called you…but you never got back to me.”
> 
> “Oh, yeah…um about that.” Maya shifted uncomfortably in her seat. In a way she’d been sure her lack of response would have said enough to Josh – after all it had been enough said between her and others in the past.
> 
> “Is this about you and the cowboy over there?” Josh asked, nodding over towards where Lucas sat refusing to turn around. 
> 
> “Um…” Maya took in a breath. It would be easy to say that she wasn’t replying because of her relationship with Lucas – but the truth was she’d stopped replying before she and Lucas got together. 
> 
> “It’s okay if it is, we talked about the long game. But, I think we could still be friends until then, don’t you?”
> 
> Lucas’s fists clenched at his sides, why hadn’t she sent him away yet? Why was she sitting alone with him? Why wasn’t she back next to her boyfriend? “Dude, chill.” Zay said under his breath, giving Lucas’s boot a kick. 
> 
> Maya took in a deep breath. “Josh…it’s not. I mean, yeah I’m with Lucas now but…that’s not exactly what it is.” Josh furrowed his brow as he looked at her, something wasn’t right. “Josh, do you remember when you told me I hardly knew you?”
> 
> “Well, yeah but that was…” he began to excuse his past behavior but she stopped him.
> 
> “No, you were right. And you hardly know me either. I kind of realized that when we talked at the lodge. I think I just got too caught up because I’d liked you for so long that I didn’t realize it at first.” She looked down, not sure she wanted to meet his eyes just then. It felt so strange after liking him for so long, after being sure she loved him. But it wasn’t real – she knew that now. 
> 
> “Okay…?” He began, brow furrowed in confusion. “But…why wouldn’t you reply back to me? I mean we could have talked about this, right? I still think we could be friends…get to know one another better. I admit I could definitely know more about you, and you me, that’s why we talked about the long game.” He reminded her. “We can be friends for now and figure all those things out.”
> 
> “I don’t think that would be a good idea.” She didn’t want to get into how he’d hurt her feelings at the lodge. His views of her and how her dad leaving her affected her had really gotten under her skin.
> 
> “Oh, okay…” He muttered, feeling completely confused. “Well, um… I guess if you change your mind, you know where I am.” The tables had turned between them somehow and Josh didn’t quite understand what was happening. 
> 
> She nodded a bit and stood, stepping away from him– turning back only once to see Riley taking her seat near Josh. “Hey, sorry about that.” Maya said as she sat back down next to Lucas. Her smile dropped when she caught he look on her boyfriend’s face. “What’s the matter? What did I miss?”
> 
> “Nothing.” Lucas tried quickly to cover, putting a smile on his face, but it only made her stare at him harder. She knew his fake smile and hated it. “So what was that about?” Lucas asked, motioning back to where Josh now sat with Riley. He tried to act casual but it wasn’t convincing – as another kick to his boot told him.
> 
> Maya looked back and forth between Zay and Lucas and understood immediately what was going on. “Walk me home.” She told him more than asked him and he was on his feet immediately. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Riles.” Maya called as she started towards the door, offering a wave to her friends. As soon as the two were at the top of the steps outside Maya turned to Lucas and grabbed his shirt. He expected her to be angry as she tugged him close, but instead she kissed him hard. 
> 
> His shock wore off quickly and he wrapped his arms around her back as he held her against him to return her kiss. When they finally broke apart he let out a little laugh. “I thought you were going to yell at me.” He admitted, still holding her close.
> 
> “Mmm, and you were just going to let me?” She teased, toying with the back of his hair as her arms slid up around his neck. He nodded in reply. “Well I’m not going to yell, I happen to think you’re very sweet.”
> 
> “Even when I feel all bothered when you’re around Josh?”
> 
> “Especially then.” When he asked her why she shrugged a little. “I guess it just shows how much you like me that you’d be jealous.”
> 
> “I wasn’t jealous.” He replied quickly, almost instinctually. “I mean…I just, don’t like that guy sometimes.”
> 
> “Mmhmm.” She smirked a little as they linked fingers and began to walk. “So you don’t want to know what we talked about then?”
> 
> “I didn’t say _that_ ”
> 
> Maya chuckled. “I haven’t talked to him since the lodge and he wanted to know why.”
> 
> “Good.” His first reply came without thinking and Maya couldn’t help but laugh. “Whatever.” He began with a smile of his own to match her smile. “He’s a jerk, I never liked him.”
> 
> Maya chuckled. “Never? He’s not _that_ bad.”
> 
> Lucas scoffed. “The first time I saw the guy, he gave you the 3 year shit and then tried to get with a girl three years older than him. Then when you’re out with friends you go try to make _him_ feel better. You went to that party at NYU and –“
> 
> “And he left to walk us home.”
> 
> “Yeah, yeah.” He rolled his eyes. “Game night? He was a jerk. New Years. And the damn lodge, I really wanted to punch that guy up there with all that long game crap, especially when you two were off holding hands in the window.”
> 
> “Wait, wait, go back a minute… what about New Years?”
> 
> Lucas’s cheeks went red and it took her asking once more for him to answer. “You ate the card about having feelings for two people. I know he was your other person.”
> 
> “So. You ate the card about librarys and campfires.”
> 
> “But that was different.”
> 
> “No it wasn’t.” She insisted. “There was no stupid triangle then, you and I were supposed to be together and you still liked Riley and when Farkle ruined the whole night with his little announcement, you froze and the whole stupid triangle started instead of you just being with me. Remember that? You and me together at midnight until you found out she still liked you?”
> 
> Shame hit him then, she wasn’t wrong. “I’m sorry.” He told her honestly. “It was a shitty thing for me to do. Those few days were great and I was an idiot. If I knew then what I know now, I’d have kissed you at midnight.”
> 
> She softened almost immediately. “Kiss me now, then.” And he did – not even needing the prompting.


	13. Chapter 13

> “Wait.” Zay began as he sat on the bleachers with Lucas after school. “You’re telling me that your girlfriend.”
> 
> “Maya.” Lucas interjected.
> 
> “Yeah, since she’s my friend, I’m just gonna call her ‘your girlfriend’ right now.” Zay continued. “Your girlfriend wants you to do more than just kiss her and you aren’t jumping for joy?” He scoffed at his best friend. “What’s the problem?”
> 
> “Well I don’t know if that’s what she wants. She never actually said the words…but she… well she just seem to…um.”
> 
> “Know more than you do?” Zay asked bluntly with an almost amused expression on his face. 
> 
> Lucas tried to glare, but the embarrassed blush on his cheeks was apparent. “Yeah…” he muttered, not meeting his friend’s eyes.
> 
> Zay wanted to laugh, but he couldn’t do that to Lucas…it had usually been Lucas to know more about the real world and all, but ever since Vanessa, Zay’s experience levels were a bit higher than Lucas’s. Their girlfriends were very different. Riley was innocent and sweet while Vanessa knew just what she wanted and would make sure she got it. She had taught Zay a lot in his visits to her – lots of things he had no idea about. 
> 
> “I want to.” Lucas began. “Don’t get me wrong, I _really_ want to, but…I don’t really know…how.”
> 
> “There’s not rules, man.” Zay began with a shrug. “Just touch her and if she doesn’t like it, I have no doubt she’d let you know. Vanessa would actually lift my hand and put it where she wanted it or shove it away when she didn’t.” He laughed a little at himself for that one. He never thought he’d be admitting these things, but Lucas looked so pathetic he had to show him he wasn’t alone. 
> 
> Lucas let out a sigh. “She…seems to try to show me, she gets all close. She touches my leg and stuff…and kisses my neck. And I do it back, but then she kind of squirms.”
> 
> “Away from you?”
> 
> “Not exactly…” Lucas began. 
> 
> “So against you?”
> 
> “Kind of I guess…”
> 
> This time Zay couldn’t help it. “Dude, that means she likes it and keep going. Look, I know you’re all gentlemanly and shit and I’m all for that, but girls are weird they don’t _say_ it, they try to show you what they want.” He hesitated. “Least that’s how it was with V.” He offered with a shrug. 
> 
> “But that’s stupid. Why not just say it? How am I supposed to know what her scooting around on the couch is supposed to mean?”
> 
> “Body language!” Zay exclaimed nearly exasperated. “C’mon man, you’ve seen movies.”
> 
> “Yeah, but that’s not real life.”
> 
> “No, but it’s more than you’ve got.”
> 
> “Shut up.” Lucas scoffed.
> 
> Zay laughed a little. “Well, if you want her to say it, then have you asked her?” When Lucas shook his head Zay laughed again. “Why not? You want her to speak up why shouldn’t you?”
> 
> “Yeah… I just. How do I…?”
> 
> “Don’t ask her, just, tell her what you want if that makes it easier, maybe she’ll do the same?”
> 
> “I don’t know what I want.” Lucas muttered. 
> 
> “Liar.” Zay called him out with a devious chuckle, he knew what he wanted Vanessa to do…Lucas had to have some idea.
> 
> “Okay, I know what I _want_ but I can’t tell her that! She’d punch me.”
> 
> “Or she’d do it, you don’t know.” Lucas just stared. “She’s not Riley…she’s actually dated other people you know.”
> 
> “What?” Lucas’s eyes went wide, looking up at Zay in shock. “Who?!”
> 
> “Woah, chill out.” Zay said, hands up defensively though the smirk was still on his lips. “I saw her holding hands with a guy outside the movies once. Don’t know who he was.” He hesitated. “You thought she’d never dated anyone else? Lucas c’mon…she’s a hot sixteen year old, she’s had dates.”
> 
> “Don’t call my girlfriend hot.” 
> 
> Zay laughed. “Sexy?” Another glare from Lucas. “Okay, okay!” He laughed again. “But you know what I’m saying, she’s not Riley…I mean that’s clear and all, but she’s probably had some experience dating and you…well I mean, you dated Riley. Don’t get me wrong, nothing bad about Riley, but she’s so sweet and innocent and stuff…I mean did you even French her?” Lucas just shook his head and rubbed the back of his neck. “Did you want to?” 
> 
> “Well yeah, I wanted to…but she didn’t really seem to do more than just a little kiss here and there. And it was okay, I mean, I liked spending time with her but…With Maya it’s different.” Zay nodded. “But if I try something and she doesn’t want it…she’s gonna kill me.”
> 
> “Or she’s gonna want it and you can finally get to second base.”
> 
> “Hey! I’ve been to second base!” Lucas said with a smirk.
> 
> “Miranda? Dares don’t count.”
> 
> “Still touched em, it counts!”
> 
> * * *
> 
> School books had been shoved aside as Maya and Lucas discarded school work and kissed heavily instead. Her arms wrapped around his neck and fingers toyed in his hair as the kiss deepened. His arms moved around her back, bringing her close to him, flush against his chest as they sat close to one another on the couch. With Shawn and Katy out to dinner, Maya took advantage of having the apartment to herself.
> 
> Lucas couldn’t help but replay the conversation with Zay in his mind. Body language. She’s dated before. Squirming isn’t bad if it’s against you. She’s dated other people. That fact kept coming back to him. He’d kissed a few girls in Texas, he’d even felt one up once…on a dare. But…he’d only really had one true _girlfriend_ and that was Riley. He liked thinking of Riley as his first girlfriend…but he realized he’d wanted to have something just as meaningful and special with Maya – as hypocritical as it sounded even to himself.
> 
> He tried to focus on her, running his hands through her long hair and down her back. When she leaned back he thought for sure she was pulling away and he’d blown it before he really tried, internally cursing himself for not focusing on her more than who she could have dated before him. 
> 
> She caught him off guard when she took hold of the collar of his shirt and brought him with her as she laid back on the couch. It clicked then just what was happening. This was definitely a position he’d never been in before. His body rested between her legs and she hooked one of her knees over the back of his leg, sending sparks through his body. His heart was racing as he kissed her deeply, tongues tangled together between their mouths. She held him against her small body and he was concerned for a moment he would squish her, but she didn’t seem to mind. She raked nails against the back of his scalp as his hand rested on her side. She was laying down, he couldn’t put them around her anymore…what was he supposed to do with his hands?
> 
> Oh.
> 
> He mentally prayed not to be hit as his fingers moved to her stomach…just barely inching under the hem of the t-shirt. He wanted to ask her if it was okay when he felt her stomach suck in, but she hadn’t stopped kissing him so he just took his chance. His hand moved up a little more to her ribs where she squirmed – this time abruptly and he pulled his hand back quickly.
> 
> “Sorry!” He said immediately as he pulled back. 
> 
> Maya stayed where she was, looking up at him with a flushed face, licking her lips. “What? Why?” he began to mumble about his hand and she laughed lightly. “You are such a Huckleberry.” She told him, reaching for his shirt and pulling him back to her.
> 
> “But you…you jerked away.” He didn’t have any idea what was 
> 
> “You tickled me!” She replied back, a smile still on her lips as she pulled him against her.
> 
> “Oh…” The realization hit him. “So…it was okay?”
> 
> Maya nodded looking at him with almost shy eyes. “Yeah.” She had done more than he had physically, but she’d never actually talked about it. No one talked about it, they just did it. 
> 
> Lucas smiled back at her then, his nerves slipping away as he kissed her once more - starting off as deeply as they’d left things. His fingers moved back under her shirt and he laid his palm flat against her skin this time, trying not to tickle her again. He wanted to stop and ask her if it was okay, but her nails hit the back of his neck and the tingle down his back stopped him from doing anything but kissing her harder. 
> 
> He was cautious when he reached her bra, fingertips just barely touching her. He could feel his own arousal against her leg, but she didn’t seem to mind…If anything she moved closer to him, lifting her back towards his hand. She was sure then that he’d never done this before…but was glad she didn’t have to completely take the lead…she may be more experienced than he was, but she wanted him to make the first move and make her feel wanted.
> 
> * * *
> 
> While Lucas tried to forget most of the conversation he had with Zay, one thing just stuck out in his mind. Maya had been out with someone else. She also seemed to be really comfortable getting physical. Did that mean she had been physical with another guy? Had she let another guy in her shirt? Had she kissed someone else like she kissed him? How could she kiss someone else like that – that’s how you kiss someone you really have feelings for? And if she really had feelings for someone else…what did that mean about how she felt about him?
> 
> “You said you didn’t know him, so do you think he goes to another school?”
> 
> “I don’t know.” Zay shrugged. 
> 
> “Well what did he look like?” Lucas asked. 
> 
> Zay let out an exasperated sigh. “He looked like a guy, I didn’t memorize the guy. I just saw them together.”
> 
> “C’mon, Zay I know you know what he looked like.”
> 
> “He was tall…then again, compared to Maya everyone is tall.” But Lucas didn’t take the bait of humor, he just stared back at Zay. “Dark hair, and uh…he was smoking.”
> 
> “Smoking? Maya wouldn’t date a smoker…would she?”
> 
> “Apparently she did.” Lucas’s face fell. He’d have to be much older…18, or have a fake ID. Well, Lucas was older too, but…he definitely didn’t smoke. Why would she ever date someone who smoked? “Why are you so bothered about this?” Zay finally asked, breaking the silence between them.
> 
> “I don’t know…I just want to know who she dated.”
> 
> “But she’s not with him anymore, she’s with you.” Zay tried to reason with his friend, but Lucas wasn’t listening. 
> 
> “You think Riley knows?”
> 
> “I think it’s not my business.” Zay replied bluntly. He’d seen Lucas act jealous, but this wasn’t just jealousy, this was something else, something closer to insecurity. Normally Zay didn’t mind getting people worked up and for lack of a better term, gossiping. But something about how Lucas was hanging onto this didn’t feel right to him. “You’re not going to ask Riley are you? Dude it’s not a good idea. Think about this for a second. If you ask Riley and she didn’t know, shell be upset Maya didn’t tell her. And even if she did know, she’s going to tell Maya you asked. Either way, not a good plan.”
> 
> “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. I should just talk to Maya.”
> 
> Zay smacked his hand into his own forehead and shook his head. “That is **not** what I said. I am telling you to let this go.”
> 
> “You don’t get it…”
> 
> “Oh no? You think Vanessa has never been with anyone else? You think she just magically knows what to do with my junk? Give me a break, she’s been with other people. But I don’t care. What’s in the past is in the past.”
> 
> “How can you not care?”
> 
> “Because she chose me…just like Maya chose to be with you. She could be with some other guy, but she’s not, she’s with _you_. Just be thankful and let it go.”
> 
> “I can’t!” Lucas pushed a hand through his hair, feeling miserable. “If someone else has touched her…I just want to know what I’m up against.”
> 
> “No you don’t. You’re being weird because she’s done more than you and after dating Riley it freaks you out.” Zay told him bluntly, time to stop trying to ease Lucas out of this. “You like Maya? You want to keep her? Then you need to keep the ego and jealousy in check. Because no offense, but she could have anyone in the world and you should just be happy she’s slumming it with you.” He paused then, wanting to lighten the blow. “Just like I’m happy Vanessa slums it with me. They’re out of our league, always will be, so consider it a gift from God and stop questioning it.”
> 
> * * *
> 
> The feeling of Maya’s hand brushing over the bulge in his jeans, the sparks it sent through his body made him shiver. Was she really going there? He broke the kiss for only a moment. “Mmm, Maya, maybe we should…slow down.” It had to be a mistake, she didn’t mean to.
> 
> “Why?” She muttered, pressing another kiss to his jaw and moving towards his earlobe. “They won’t be home for hours.” She spoke of her parents – the only risk to them in her eyes. 
> 
> “Well you just…and I, um…did you mean to.” He was nervous as he spoke, how to even bring up things like this. They’d known one another for years, but only been a couple for six months. Talks of intimate areas were still hard for him.
> 
> Maya lifted her head and met his eyes her insecurities almost hidden. “You don’t want me to? I can move over some if you didn’t like…”
> 
> “No, no, it’s not that! I liked it. I just…didn’t expect it. Um, so you meant to? Okay…have you…have you ever done this before?” He couldn’t believe he was asking, but he had to know. She seemed so comfortable with these things. 
> 
> “Maybe.” She answered coyly, and leaned in for another kiss – disappointed in how short it was when he pulled back again. 
> 
> “Yeah? So…you’ve had other boyfriends? Who?”
> 
> She shrugged a little and leaned back slightly, “Last summer I went out with Joey.”
> 
> She spoke as if he should know but Lucas didn’t make the connection. “Joey?” 
> 
> “Yeah.” She said, no shame in her eyes. “Joey Ricciardella. He went to John Adams with us.”
> 
> “Joey?!” The name finally meant something. “You mean that jerk I almost got in a fight with? The one who failed 8th grade twice?!” He couldn’t believe this was who she’d gone out with, why she would ever date someone like him.
> 
> “Yeah. So?” She replied just as simply. 
> 
> Lucas pulled back completely then, putting space between them that made Maya feel cold. “Why would you ever date a guy like that?” 
> 
> “Why would I ever date you?” She shot back. “Because I like you, and I liked him. He was nice and liked me. You didn’t even remember him.” But the look on his face, the judgement at her choices burned through her. “What is your problem? So I dated him…you don’t even know him.”
> 
> “I know he wanted to beat up Zay.”
> 
> “And Zay wasn’t entirely blameless in that.” She replied matter-a-factly. 
> 
> “And me.”
> 
> “You approached him, remember? I was there.”
> 
> “He’s not a good guy.”
> 
> “Remind me again why you got expelled in Texas?” She shot back, eyes hard on his.
> 
> “It’s not the same thing!” Lucas flared, getting louder by the minute.
> 
> “How do you know that? You don’t know him!” Maya huffed, standing finally and glaring at Lucas. “You know what, this is stupid. I am not going to feel bad for dating someone last summer. It’s none of your business what I do.” Her face was red with anger rather than flushed from the kissing. She straightened her shirt that his hands had previously been under and shot him an angry look.
> 
> “It’s my business when you’ve done stuff with him.”
> 
> And it got quiet then as Maya glared hard at Lucas - her voice almost frighteningly calm now. “Excuse me?”
> 
> “I mean,” he started, sensing he’d crossed a line. “You and I do stuff together and I deserve know who else you’ve done stuff with.” But his word didn’t soften the look on her face if anything it made it worse. “It’s not unreasonable, Maya. I should know who’s had their hands on you…and who you’ve had your hands on if you’re trying to touch me.”
> 
> “Trying to touch you?” She asked, her hands shaking slightly as her lips tightened. “Get out.” She told him, her voice low and cold. He looked at her like he didn’t understand her words. “Now, Lucas! I want you out!” She grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet then shoved his much larger body towards the door.
> 
> “Maya!” He exclaimed, turning back to her. “What? What did I say? I’m just telling you how I feel.”
> 
> “First of all. I wasn’t TRYING to touch you, we were touching each other!” He opened his mouth to speak but she continued, not letting him get a word in. “Second, what I have or haven’t done with anyone else is none of your business no matter what I choose to do with you…which right now considering I don’t even want to look at you, isn’t a whole lot!” She pushed past him to the front door. “If you were looking for a way to make me feel like a slut just for enjoying time with you, then way to go, asshole, you succeeded.”
> 
> He didn’t miss the tears in her eyes as she walked away from him. Maya stormed down the hallway and slammed her bedroom door, leaving her boyfriend standing alone in the middle of the living room. She couldn’t stop herself from crying so she needed to get away from him fast. She didn’t want him to see her tears, see how vulnerable she could be.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Joey and Maya had met up over the previous summer, and it had been a lot of firsts for Maya – a lot of firsts she never shared with her friends. She’d been nervous with him, he was older and tougher and one of the best looking guys she’d ever seen. He reminded her of a mix between Josh and Lucas…well Lucas when he got in one of his moods that Riley always hated. He was strong; he’d been in fights – sometimes when she was there. He was experienced and mature and she wanted to be in his world and out of the Riley/Lucas world for a while. 
> 
> Things had moved fast with Joey, faster than Maya really understood, but he was so sweet to her. He told her every time he did something that if she didn’t like it he’d stop. He always asked if it was okay, knowing she’d never done anything before. Over 3 months, Maya went from a girl who’d only ever kissed someone once to a girl who had done it all. She didn’t think he was such a bad guy – he’d been in some fights, but he seemed to love her. When he broke things off with her, she hadn’t seen it coming. He’d brought up something about seeing other people that she didn’t understand and then it was over. Her first love, first serious anything…gone as quickly as it happened. 
> 
> Two days later she saw Joey he was with another girl, kissing her just as he’d once kissed Maya and it broke her heart and made it clear to her that she didn’t really matter to him. How could she have mattered if he could move on so quickly? It made her even more insecure about the choices she’d made, the things she’d done with him. She’d heard of girls who had sex being ridiculed and judged. She was judging herself as it was so why wouldn’t everyone else if they knew?
> 
> The only person who ever knew was Katy. Over the years Katy and Maya had grown much closer – once Maya understood how alike she and her mother were, that Katy had been left as well, she felt she could open up more. She told her mom about Joey, she even told her mom about things getting physical with him. Katy never judged her or told her not to do something. Katy had put Maya on birth control at 14, knowing she’d made her own mistakes and wanted her daughter to have knowledge more than fairytales about love and life. “Baby girl,” She’s began. “This is something everyone goes through. I was young the first time I had sex and I thought he and I would be together till the end. But that’s not always how it works. Sex doesn’t mean love and love doesn’t mean sex. It’s just a fact of life, something you will experience.” She explained to Maya that she didn’t expect her to be a certain way. She told Maya to do only what she felt comfortable doing with someone she trusted. “Trust is so important, Maya.” Katy had explained. “If you don’t really trust, you can’t ever really be comfortable with what you’re doing.”
> 
> “Never feel badly about yourself or the choices you’ve made. You are an amazing person and no one can bring you down if you don’t let them.” Katy had told her daughter when things ended with Joey. “I could talk badly about him, I could tell you things you already know. But that’s not important; all that matters now is how you feel about yourself. Don’t regret what you did in the past, learn from it and grow…regret only brings us pain. I lived a long time in regret and I never want that for you.” 
> 
> But despite Katy’s words, Maya did feel regret in her choices. She’d done it all because she thought it would last…maybe not forever, but longer than 3 months. She’d loved him…or thought she did as much as she thought he loved her. But now she only felt stupid thinking about it. About who he was and why she’d done all she did. It was hard to accept that she’d made such a big mistake already in life. She vowed to never tell Riley…she could only imagine how Riley would look at her if she knew…how any of them would look at her. It wasn’t hard to keep it to herself, she’d kept a lot of her life to herself. But now with Lucas things were getting heavier. Her hands moved on their own sometimes. She didn’t _plan_ to do anything with him, it just happened…and honestly she wanted it to happen. But she never let go of the insecurity over her mistakes with Joey. She was terrified of being judged by someone who said he loved her – it only made her feel worse about herself. So instead of letting Lucas see her pain, she showed him only fury.
> 
> * * *
> 
> She lifted her tear soaked face at the sound of the knock on her door. “Maya? Maya I’m sorry okay? I didn’t mean it. I didn’t want to hurt you.” Lucas called into the room.
> 
> “Go away!” she called back, cursing her voice for betraying her and letting on her sadness.
> 
> “I’m not leaving until I know you’re okay.” He told her. He knew this was his fault; he couldn’t just walk away from it. She’d told him he made her feel like a slut. That wasn’t what he wanted, and it wasn’t how he thought of her at all. He could never think of her that way. “Maya, please open the door.”
> 
> He could hear her inside, crying, sniffling, and blowing her nose. But she never came to the door so he just slunk down to the floor and waited. And Maya waited…she waited to hear the front door open and close, hear him leave – but it never came. After the longest 10 minutes of Lucas’s life, the doorknob finally turned. He got to his feet so fast he was standing expectantly when the door pulled open. Seeing her there, face splotchy and puffy, her sadness in her red eyes, broke him even more. “Maya, I’m so sorry.” He told her, wanting to hold her and make this better. Wanting to take back everything he’d said. He reached out for her but she didn’t come any closer – not yet.
> 
> She just stared at him for a long moment, contemplating if she’d forgive him, if she’d go to him. “You really hurt my feelings.” She said flatly.
> 
> “I know, I’m sorry. I never wanted that.”
> 
> “Why did you have to be like that? I may tease you, but I’ve never _really_ judged you for what you’ve done.” As he began to tell her he wasn’t judging her, she stopped him. “Yes you did. Maybe you didn’t mean to, but you did it.”
> 
> “I’m sorry.” He told her once more. “I won’t ever do it again, I promise.” And only then did she take a step towards him, giving him any inclination that he could hold her. He reached out, wrapping strong arms around her and pulling her to him. “I’m so sorry. Maya, I love you so much, I’d never want to hurt you.” And she nodded against him, as she wrapped her arms around his back, silently telling herself if he ever did it again, she wouldn’t be so quick to forgive him. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, you don’t have to **do** anything you don’t want to do.” He told her as he rested his head on hers. 
> 
> He stood holding her in the hallway until she pulled back, not wanting to let her go until she was ready. “I don’t like talking about Joey, okay? He dumped me and it hurt and I feel stupid about it all…so can we please just not talk about him again?”
> 
> Lucas nodded, conflicting emotions running through him. He wanted to hurt the guy who hurt Maya, but also he was thankful, if Joey hadn’t ended it, he might not be with her now. He didn’t understand why she’d defended him, why she’d reminded Lucas that he didn’t know the guy when he was criticizing him. He couldn’t understand how insulting Joey felt like an insult to Maya because she dated him. He couldn’t understand why she’d defend him even when he hurt her. But he knew better than to ask her about it now. He would never bring up Joey Ricciardella again.


	14. Chapter 14

> “Dammit.” Maya huffed as she pulled her hair down to try and cover her neck. “Do you see what you did?!” She snapped at Lucas – though her eyes didn’t seem angry, if anything they were amused.
> 
> Lucas looked up at her as she turned towards him. Neither of them noticed the bruise on her neck until things had calmed between them. She pulled back from the long kisses, adjusting her clothes and caught her reflection in the mirror on the back of his door. “Sorry…” He muttered. “But you weren’t exactly asking me to stop.” He gave her a little grin – and then caught the book she threw at him.
> 
> “That’s not the point.” She insisted. “Everyone is going to see this.”
> 
> “So what?” he shrugged. “You’re my girlfriend. Want to give me one?” he offered raising his eyebrows playfully.
> 
> “Actually I do!” She told him as she approached him. She climbed up on the bed, straddling him and pushing him backwards.
> 
> He grinned up at her as he lay back without any hesitation and arched his neck to the side. “Be my guest.” She leaned in, but she didn’t kiss his neck. “Ow! No biting!”
> 
> “Man up, hop-a-long.” She muttered, biting him again and laughing lightly against his neck.
> 
> Lucas grinned and grabbed hold of her and rolled them over on his bed. He pinned her down and smirked as he eyed her. “Man enough for you?” He asked. She looked so beautiful to him, laying under him like that, it wasn’t hard to imaging going further with her than they already had. But the longer he looked at her smiling up at him, the more he knew the game was over and he moved in, kissing her lips and silently calling a truce.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Riley hesitated as she stepped out of the stall to see Maya putting make-up on her neck. Her eyes went wide to see the bruise that was being covered up. “Maya! What happened?!” She gasped out, grabbing her best friend’s arm and pulling her away from adding more cover-up so she could get a better look at the mark
> 
> Maya laughed and applied more cream. “Lucas.” She muttered, rolling her eyes. “I got him back though.” The expression on Riley’s face was a mix of horror and confusion and it threw Maya off. “Riles… it’s just a hickey.”
> 
> “Oh…” Riley blinked a few times, looking at it a little more. So that was a hickey? She knew what a hickey was, but she’d never actually seen one. Just read about one mentioned in a book. The book was not at all descriptive. This didn’t look like some affectionate love nip, this was a serious bruise…on her best friend’s neck. She took a few moments of silence, trying to figure out how to ask the questions she had in her head. “Um…did it hurt?”
> 
> Maya realized then, Riley had no idea about hickeys, of course Huckleberry never sucked on her neck, they barely kissed. She looked gently to her best friend. “No, it didn’t hurt at all. Actually felt good.”
> 
> “Maya, how could that possibly feel good, it looks like someone hit you.”
> 
> Maya turned back to the mirror at Riley’s words examining the mark. “No it doesn’t. It’s not big enough to be from a punch.” She held her own fist up next to it. “See.”
> 
> Riley wasn’t sure what to be more bothered by, the fact that Maya was bruised, or that she knew how big bruises from punching would be. Her voice was low now, not wanting anyone who walked in to possibly hear them. Hear how little she knew. “But…how did he do that? I mean…I know kissing, but…kissing doesn’t leave marks like that…right?”
> 
> “No, not just kissing.” Maya had no problem explaining things to Riley, it didn’t embarrass her to talk about it, though it seemed to embarrass Riley. She didn’t want Riley to feel bad for asking questions, the way she had the first time she learned about stuff. “Mostly sucking, a little biting – at least that’s what I did to get him back.” She let out a chuckle. “But it doesn’t hurt at all, just leaves a mark.” She poked at her own neck to show how it didn’t pain her.
> 
> “So he…sucked on your neck so hard it made a bruise…that doesn’t hurt at all…and you just…let him?”
> 
> “Well, I didn’t know he was gonna leave a mark. I told him if he ever branded me again I’d do more than bite him.” She chuckled, but stopped seeing the discomfort all over Riley’s face. “But, uh, yeah, I let him. It felt good.”
> 
> Riley swallowed hard, not really understanding any of this. How could something that leaves a bruise like that feel good? And why would he be kissing her neck like that? You kissed someone on the lips, maybe on the cheek… why the neck? And why so much it left marks…and marks Maya didn’t even know were there until after. If it felt good for Maya, what did it do for Lucas? When did this even happen, she’d seen them kiss, but nothing bad enough to leave marks. “Well, um…” Riley began, trying to find words as her eyes glanced to the covered bruise once more. “I guess if you’re okay with it…” She shrugged. What could she even say? Go for it? Good for you? It seemed so weird. Had the others done stuff like this? Had Zay? Farkle and Smackle? Was she supposed to be doing this stuff? Was this what high school really was and she was missing it all? Why hadn’t Lucas ever done that with her? Why was Maya so different? No, that she knew the answer to…Maya was Maya, she’d always been different. She knew about boys, she was stronger and prettier. She was Maya…of course he’d rather suck on her neck.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Riley didn’t often show up at the Farkle’s apartment…it wasn’t that she didn’t want to. He just always seemed more comfortable with all of them in other places. They’d talked about it once, he’d been embarrassed, but she didn’t really get why. He had it all and they’d had fun there together…sure they were all doing their own thing, but they didn’t have to. They could all play a game together if they chose.
> 
> Today was different. Today Riley showed up at the Minkus home, alone and quiet. It wasn’t until they were alone in Farkle’s room that she finally began to speak. “Did you see Maya’s neck today?” She asked in a quiet voice. “She’s got a hickey.”
> 
> Farkle watched her closely, sitting in a chair and looking at the carpet. “Riley, are you okay?” He asked softly. But she didn’t reply so he reached over and touched her arm.
> 
> Her eyes looked to him then, curious and confused. “Have you ever had a hickey?”
> 
> She was so blunt it caught him off guard. “Uh, me? I uh…no.”
> 
> “Yeah me either.” She muttered. “Ever given one?”
> 
> Farkle laughed nervously. “Riles…have you met my girlfriend?” He asked with an almost scared expression. They all knew about Isadora Smackle’s condition and what that meant for her. They’d all spent time learning about it when it was thought Farkle may also have it. She didn’t do well with affection – though she’d gotten more comfortable with it over time. Riley just nodded, she understood what he meant - he didn’t need to say the words. Riley didn’t know if he’d even kissed her yet, just that they hugged a lot and Smackle was very possessive of him.
> 
> “But I’m not… I mean. I kissed Lucas first. He knew I liked him…so why didn’t he ever?” She hesitated, pulling back some and looking down again. “I know Maya’s great, I know better than most people how amazing she is. And I think they’re good together. It’s not that I want him to suck on my neck now or anything. I don’t even want him back. I just want to know why he never tried. I mean…” She lifted her head. “I’m not ugly, he seemed to like me right?”
> 
> Farkle watched her with a furrowed brow not having any idea where this conversation was headed. She said she didn’t want Lucas back, but…if she didn’t why was she so bothered? “Yeah, he liked you. I know he did.”
> 
> “So why didn’t he ever kiss me like he kisses her? Why didn’t he ever try to kiss my neck?” She looked distraught and it broke his heart. “Farkle, am I sexy?” His eyes went wide and mouth fell open. What did she just ask?! “Seriously? I know Maya is, she’s got that whole bad girl sexy thing. But…I don’t have that, so am I sexy?”
> 
> “I, um, uh…you’re…well.” He swallowed hard as he stuttered. “Yo…you are.”
> 
> “Then what’s wrong with me? What is it about me that makes guys not want to kiss me? I even kissed him first. Why did he go out with me for so long if he didn’t really want to be with me?” Again she had him stumped – not something Farkle was used to when posed with any question. “You even tried to kiss me once…but he didn’t. Why didn’t he? What’s so bad about me?”
> 
> Her insecurities were showing now more than they ever had before and while part of Farkle felt sad about how she was feeling, another part felt good because she’d chosen him to come to and talk so openly with. She wasn’t going to Maya, she was coming to him. And of course he knew why, part of this was because of Maya…but he liked it when she opened up to him. Farkle took a deep breath and scooted his chair closer to her to put his arm around her shoulders. “Riley, there’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing at all. And of course I tried to kiss you, who wouldn't want to kiss you" He tried to offer her a smile. "If anyone – even Lucas – thinks otherwise then they’re an idiot. You’re the greatest person I know.” She leaned over on him, her head on his shoulder as she listened to his kind words. She muttered a soft thanks and stayed still – letting him know that she still wasn’t totally okay. “Hey, you want to stay for dinner?”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS TOOK FOREVER! I know and I'm sorry. HUGE thanks to anyone still sticking with me on this.

> Maya never wanted to be the friend who pulled back from her friends when she had a boyfriend. And it seemed like since her boyfriend was one of her best friends, it wouldn’t happen. They all still hung out together…but over time, something felt different. They seemed to split off into mini-groups in their big group. She and Lucas, Riley and Farkle, and somehow in the mix Zay and Smackle had gotten to be very good friends. Ever since the Secret Santa Christmas gifts, they seemed to have a new respect for one another. 
> 
> Smackle wasn’t as emotional as the rest of them, but she was very bright. She could see the emotions they all displayed – and regarded them as a waste of time. She didn’t mean to disregard the feelings of her friends, she just didn’t have the same capacity for emotions as they did and rather than admit to lack of understanding, she chose instead to disregard. She noticed how Zay seemed to disregard emotions with his sense of humor and it made her appreciate him even more. His sarcasm was witty but not hurtful…and he used it rather than get caught up in all the sappy goo like the rest of them. It was a good trait – even if she didn’t always get the jokes he made.
> 
> Smackle sat back and watched as Farkle and Riley seemed to grow closer together the longer Maya and Lucas dated. She’d always known there was something he saw in the two girls – but now he saw it was mostly Riley he clung to, Riley he protected. She silently observed how Riley went to Farkle first to say hello. It was mutual for them.
> 
> “Farkle always said he loved Maya and Riley the same.” She told Zay, catching him off guard as they sat alone outside the café. The two of them talked more, passed notes in class, but they didn’t spend as much time alone together as the others did. “But I don’t think he does.” She was talking as if observing an experiment – Zay noticed this was how she looked at most things. He raised a brow curiously, waiting for her to continue. “I think he loves Riley more, but with Riley came Maya so he kept them together. He thinks they need each other. I’m not sure he is correct.”
> 
> Zay looked inside the building where the others were getting drinks. Maya and Lucas stood together, his arm around her back keeping her close. Farkle and Riley didn’t touch but they stood nearly as close together as the other two. Maybe Smackle was right. “You don’t think they need each other?” he asked, keeping the conversation going. He liked when Smackle started the conversation, it helped him know she wanted to be around them and talk with them more than just being there with Farkle. 
> 
> “No. I didn’t know them as kids, maybe they did back then. But I don’t think so anymore. And I think they’re all extremely co-dependent and like to believe they need each other just so they don’t have to face the world alone.” Zay blinked a few times at her words, unable to believe how spot on he found it. He had been sure she didn’t really ‘do’ emotions, but maybe she did, just in her own way. “I don’t really understand fear in the same way as other people.” She explained simply. “But I know what it is, and they’re all afraid so they hold onto each other. Even you. No offense.” She said quickly as he looked at her. “You don’t want to be alone either.”
> 
> “I think most people feel like that.”
> 
> “I suppose they do.” She paused for a moment. “Thank you, Isiah, for letting me speak so openly and not being upset with me for what I think.”
> 
> “No problem, Isadora. You can talk to me anytime…even if you think you’ll offend me. It’s like I told you, your voice is my favorite thing about you.” He gave her smile as the others came back outside.
> 
> * * *
> 
> “Did you know Lucas climbs in Maya’s window?” Riley asked, her fake nonchalant tones not fooling her friends in the slightest. 
> 
> “I did not know this, however, I am not surprised.” Smackle replied. “Maya is known for climbing into your window, leading me to believe she climbs into other windows as well, likely Lucas’s since she is his girlfriend. It doesn’t seem that out of character for Lucas to pick up the habit.”
> 
> Riley just stared at her friend who spoke as if it was nothing. “But…” Riley began.
> 
> “What are we talking about?” Zay asked as he approached the group, plopping into a chair and smiling around to his friends. 
> 
> “The implications of Lucas climbing into Maya’s bedroom window.” Smackle answered simply.
> 
> “Smackle!” Farkle jumped in. “There are no implications.”
> 
> But Zay just laughed. “Of course there is, otherwise no one would be talking about it.”
> 
> “I don’t like the idea of it being something…” Farkle struggled with his words, his girlfriend quickly filling in the blank.
> 
> “Sexual? No, I did not assume you would.”
> 
> Zay glanced around, Riley and Farkle both red in the face and looking horrified, Isadora on the other hand didn’t seem bothered by it at all. He smiled a little to her. “Should be more bothered we’re talking about their sex lives than the fact they might have one. How did this even come up?”
> 
> “Nope.” Riley spoke quickly, the denial all over her face as she refused to take this one in. “No one has a sex life. We’re kids, we don’t have sex lives.” Zay’s eyes glanced around to the others and knew it was best to keep his mouth shut on this one. He had spilled a lot of secrets, but this topic would never be one of them.
> 
> Smackle watched with curiosity as Riley changed her demeanor almost immediately, like a whiteboard being wiped clean. Her back went straight and the smile found her lips again. “It came up because I saw Lucas climb into Maya’s window last night when I thought about doing it myself. She always comes in my window, I thought it would be a nice surprise if I did it back.”
> 
> “So what did they say when you came in?”
> 
> “I didn’t.” Riley replied to Smackle, her eyes not meeting the other girl’s. Riley’s eyes met them all as they all looked at her. “Well, I was going to surprise her, and I felt like it might be awkward if they were kissing or something up there, so I thought maybe another time would be better.” 
> 
> She pressed on with her smile, showing them all just how okay she was with it all. But the night replayed in her mind. She’d seen his boots and known it was him without even needing to see his face. He went in swiftly, he knew his way. Maya closed the window after him – the blanket that covered her window falling back into place. She didn’t know why it bothered her so much, she didn’t want it to…but something about the fact that the window closed her out and closed Maya and Lucas in just stuck in her mind.
> 
> She’d wanted Farkle immediately, she’d wanted someone to make sense of this. She needed someone to help her understand why she felt this way. It was usually Maya, but she couldn’t go to Maya this time, not when it was about Maya. Why did it make her sad? Why did it feel like it hurt? Why did she feel so…alone?
> 
> When she noticed the smile on her face falter, Riley quickly spread it out again. “I’m hungry, anyone else want anything?” She was on her feet, feeling transparent as they all watched her go to the counter at Topanga’s to help herself to a snack. 
> 
> Farkle was on his feet just as quickly and Smackle watched as he walked towards Riley. “You didn’t say anything wrong you know.” Zay told her, bringing her eyes on him. “They just don’t know how to handle stuff like this. It scares them, so they just block it out.”
> 
> She looked back at Farkle and Riley with curious eyes. “It scares them. Yes, I see that now. Fear is one of the things that is difficult for me.” She turned to him once more. “Are you scared?”
> 
> “Of this? No.”
> 
> “Of what?” 
> 
> “Getting eaten by a bear?” She continued to stare at him as he chuckled. “I don’t know…normal stuff I guess, like pain or death. What about you Iz, you scared of anything?”
> 
> “No. At least I do not think so. I have things I do not like, I have been startled, but not scared in the way they are scared. They are scared so they deny the obvious and refuse to learn truths from anything. Just the word ‘sex’ and they shut down. I do not like denial about anything, it hinders knowledge.”
> 
> Zay nodded with a grin. “That’s a really cool way to look at things.”


	16. Chapter 16

> Smackle sat alone at Topanga’s with a cup of coffee sitting untouched before her. She stared down at the dark liquid and watched the steam rise off it. To anyone else it would seem she was daydreaming, but Farkle knew better. Isadora Smackle didn’t daydream, she was thinking, her mind was always working. Her brow furrowed a little – she didn’t even seem to notice he’d arrived. 
> 
> He took a seat beside her and just watched her for a moment. He didn’t like to interrupt when she was so focused like that. Eventually she blinked a few times and turned to face him. “Hello, Farkle.” She said. “Thank you for meeting me here.”
> 
> “Of course.” He gave her a smile and shifted some to face her. “What did you want to talk about?”
> 
> “I have been doing a lot of thinking about our relationship.” 
> 
> “Our-our relationship?” He stuttered with wide eyes. Was she going to break up with him?
> 
> She nodded. “Yes. I believe with any problem there is a solution, one only has to find it.”
> 
> “I was not aware there was a problem with our relationship.” But Isadora skipped past this, she had already assumed he was unaware of the problem since he _was_ the problem.
> 
> “I would like you to stop correcting me when I say something you do not think is appropriate.”
> 
> Farkle blinked at her. “I thought you wanted me to let you know when you said something-”
> 
> “I did.” She interrupted. “However, I would like you to stop now. I appreciated it in the beginning, but now I feel like I am being scolded. We are to be equals, I do not like that feeling.”
> 
> “Smackle, I’m sorry. I never wanted you to feel badly. I was just trying to help you.”
> 
> “Yes, I know and I wanted your help. I wanted to keep from offending my new friends and finding a place in this world. But much like it seems to happen in Mr. Matthews’ strange history classes, I have learned another lesson on my journey for social acceptance. I have learned that I really do not care if I have it.”
> 
> “Wait, what?”
> 
> “I do not care for being accepted socially. I have learned that there are people in the world, people you helped me meet, that will not judge me on my differences nor require or even want me to change to fit in with the rest of the world. Isiah and I have been talking a lot and he has helped me understand that just because I speak out of turn or say something people don’t like, it doesn’t make me any less likeable.”
> 
> “Of course you’re not less likeable. I like you very much.”
> 
> “I know you do. And I like you very much as well. I have been contemplating how these social rules came to be, who decides what is right and what is wrong to say or do. It seems to change over the centuries, and while I do not have the strong belief that I can change the world, as Riley does. I do have a hope that there will be a future where you do not feel compelled to change who you are to fit in either.”
> 
> “I don’t…” But just one look in her eyes made him back down. “Okay, I do feel compelled sometimes. But it’s not about change. It’s about not hurting people by saying something without thinking.”
> 
> “I do not wish to hurt anyone.”
> 
> “Sometimes you can say things that upset them if you don’t stop yourself. Like the other day when we were talking about Lucas and Maya. That upset Riley.”
> 
> “Farkle, you are being hypocritical.” His brow furrowed immediately. “You do not wish for me to tell Riley the truth about Maya and Lucas because it could upset her. Which I do not understand because she seemed to want them to get together.”
> 
> “Riley is sensitive.”
> 
> “Yes, but you told her secret on New Year’s, hurting all of them. But you felt it was better to have honesty than secrets between friends.”
> 
> “Well yeah, but…” He paused. “No. You’re right, I was being a hypocrite. I’m sorry, Smackle. That wasn’t fair of me.”
> 
> “I forgive you, Farkle. We all still have much to learn.” She offered him a smile. 
> 
> “I promise not to correct you anymore.”
> 
> “Thank you.” She replied, finally lifting her cup to take a drink of her coffee. 
> 
> Farkle sat watching her again, thinking about all she’d just said. Had he really hurt people when he told that secret? Hadn’t it been better for all of them in the long run to be honest with one another? It had, he was sure of that. But Smackle had a point, she too was just being honest when she spoke…it was what he wanted, wasn’t it?
> 
> * * *
> 
> The small hand reached outside the window and took hold of Lucas’ shirt. “Get in here, cowboy.” Maya said with a smirk. Lucas moved with her tug and climbed into the window. After months of climbing in, he’d learned how to move swiftly without hitting his head. His arms wrapped around her as soon as he was inside and his mouth crashed into hers. As he kissed her deeply, Maya blindly reached for the window, pushing it closed and letting the blanket fall back into place. She flattened her hand at his chest and gave him a little push. 
> 
> The kiss broke as he fell back against her bed with a laugh. “Shhh.” She told him, glancing at her door. 
> 
> “Are they home?!” He whispered back, eyes wide. 
> 
> “Yup.” She told him with a devious grin as she moved in towards him. She moved to sit on him, straddling his lap, but his attention was still on the closed bedroom door.
> 
> “Maya! If they catch me in here after curfew again, I’m banned for a month.”
> 
> “Then you better make sure they don’t catch you.” She replied, smiling as she moved in close and kissed his neck. 
> 
> “Your dad is gonna kill me.” He muttered half-heartedly; his eyes fell closed as she kissed his neck and his hands moved down her back and over her behind. He pulled her hips close to him without thinking and tilted his chin to catch her mouth with his. He leaned back as he kissed her, allowing his hands to begin to roam.
> 
> In no time the two were tangled together on the bed, kissing deeply and lost in one another – so lost neither heard the door to Maya’s bedroom open. Katy crossed her arms as she looked on annoyed. She took in the scene…kissing, laying in the bed, but clothes were on and hands weren’t inside them. Could be much worse, she was sure of that much. She took a look down the hall before she stepped forward and smacked Lucas on the back of the head. 
> 
> “Hey!” He whispered out, looking at Maya with a furrowed brow. “Why’d you-”
> 
> Maya looked past him, however, up at her mother as she let out a slightly nervous chuckle. Lucas jumped up quickly and began to stutter with big eyes. Katy smirked a little at his fear – glad to see it. “Shawn is –” But she didn’t get a chance to finish her sentence. 
> 
> “Bye!” Lucas said quickly, pecking Maya’s lips and went out the window as easily as he’d come in it. 
> 
> Katy couldn’t help but laugh. “I was going to say Shawn in the shower so he could use the front door.”
> 
> “Nah, doors would just spoil him.” Maya added with a shrug while Katy just rolled her eyes and sat down beside her daughter.
> 
> “We’ve talked about this.” Katy began, her serious voice coming through then. “Lucas is supposed to be out by 9 on school nights.”
> 
> “I know.” Maya replied hanging her head slightly – more for the benefit of her mother than truly feeling bad. While Maya hoped her mother would see her faux shame and that would be the end of it…she was very, very wrong. 
> 
> “Are you having sex with him?”
> 
> “Mom!” Maya exclaimed, her face quickly going red as Katy sat down beside her. 
> 
> “Don’t act like that, we’ve talked about this stuff before.”
> 
> “Yeah, but you can’t just…blurt it out like that!” Maya took a deep breath. “And no, we’re not.”
> 
> “Would you tell me if you were?”
> 
> “Told you last time, didn’t I?”
> 
> “After.” Katy reminded with a soft voice. “Listen, kiddo, I just want to make sure you’re making good choices. You’re taking your pills right?” Maya nodded. “And condoms?”
> 
> “Mom we’re not-”
> 
> “There’s nothing wrong with being prepared, baby girl. Better safe than pregnant.”
> 
> “Was I that much of a mistake?” Maya teased, elbowing her mom playfully.
> 
> “No, but your sister was.” Katy replied, only able to hold her straight face for a moment before she laughed at the horrified look on her daughter’s face. “Seriously. You should always be prepared.”
> 
> “I know, mom. I’ve got it covered.” Katy just eyed her. Maya let out a sigh and reached down under the bed, pulling up an old purse and opening it for her mother – revealing a box of condoms stashed away there. “See.”
> 
> Katy smiled and leaned over to hug her daughter. “I’m proud of you. I know you’re a smart girl, but sometimes those moments can catch you by surprise. You know the thing they say in movies: one thing led to another and it just _happened_?” Maya nodded. “Well they didn’t just make it up, it happens sometimes. You get in the moment and some touching turns to one little slip too far and next thing you know you’re throwing up your breakfast and trying to fit into jeans that you’ll never wear again.”
> 
> “Mom…” Maya groaned as she winced slightly. 
> 
> “Okay, okay.” Katy held up her hands with a smile. “I’ll stop – for now. But next time I catch him in here after curfew I’m letting Shawn at him and I think we all know how that will go.”
> 
> “Point made.” Maya conceded. 


	17. Chapter 17

“Farkle?” There was concern in Riley’s voice. She expected to see Maya sitting in the window randomly, but it wasn’t usually Farkle waiting for her there. With a slightly furrowed brow, Riley moved to sit beside one of her best friends. “What’s the matter?”

“I think I made a really big mistake.” He replied with downcast eyes. He didn’t want to look at her, to see the same shame he felt for himself in her eyes as well. 

“Hey…” Riley reached over and touched his shoulder, getting his attention. There was no shame in her eyes, only concern for him. “It can’t be all that bad. Tell me what happened.”

“You know how I’ve been helping Smackle with her social behavior? How to keep from saying things that offend people and such?” Riley nodded with a smile. “She wants me to stop.”

“Well…” Riley paused. “Isn’t that a good thing? She probably feels more confident now.”

He shook his head. “No.” Farkle began. “She told me she just doesn’t care anymore. She said that Zay helped her realize she didn’t need to change.” He let out a small sigh. “Which made me realize that I didn’t really help her at all, I just tried to change her. I feel terrible, Riley.” 

“Farkle…” She scooted in close and wrapped her arms around him for a tight hug. With a classic Riley smile, she continued. “You didn’t make a mistake.”

“I made her unhappy.”

“Did she say that?”

“She said I made her feel scolded and not like we were equals. That’s unhappy.”

“Maybe not, maybe it’s…” She trailed off at his expression. “You know what, no. You had good intentions and are a great guy. You didn’t do anything wrong. She asked you for help, you gave it to her. It doesn’t make you wrong just because she changed her mind.”

“Yeah, I suppose. I told her I was sorry and she said it was okay, that she appreciated my helping her, but just wants me to stop.” He paused and looked at Riley. “Do you think I tried to change her? Do you think I don’t like her the way she is?”

“I don’t think so, but…I’m not you. Do you think you tried to change her?”

“I don’t know.” He replied, defeated. “I just feel terrible and it makes me question everything.”

“Farkle, I think the best thing is for you to take a deep breath and stop beating yourself up about this. You didn’t do anything wrong. You tried to help someone who asked for help. I don’t know why people always think it’s so wrong for us to try and help.”

“Do they?”

“Feels like it sometimes.” Riley replied with a shrug. “But, listen, I meant what I said, you didn’t do anything wrong. She asked for your help and you helped her. Just because Smackle changed her mind doesn’t mean that you’re in the wrong.”

“Yeah, I guess.” 

“But you’re still upset, aren’t you?” She asked, looking on with concern in her big eyes.

“I don’t really know how I feel.” He told her honestly. “I’m confused. I feel a mix of guilt, annoyance, jealousy and shame.”

“Jealous? Of who?” The idea of Farkle Minkus being jealous of anyone baffled Riley. After all he’d never been jealous of Lucas and if not jealous of someone like Lucas then who could he possibly be jealous of?

“Zay.” He answered quietly.

“Zay? Why would you be jealous of Zay?” She let out a hint of a laugh, but the look on her friends face silenced her immediately. 

“He helped her see she didn’t need to change. I never even realized they talked…you know outside of the group. He made her realize she didn’t need to change. How did he do that? How much do they talk about?” he met her eyes. “You know what I mean right?”

“Yeah, I do but…I wouldn’t ask if I were you.” Riley met his curious expression. “I wanted to know what was going on with Maya and Lucas…and look how that turned out.”

“Yeah, but that was completely different – wait, does that still bother you?” Farkle asked, immediately forgetting his own problems and focusing on Riley.

“Oh no! I didn’t mean it like that. Just, my asking what was going on caused a huge fight and we were all miserable. Eventually it all worked out, they’re happy together and all that but, it was terrible there for a while because I was jealous.” It was the first time that Riley had ever admitted to being jealous out loud – a fact Farkle was all too aware of. “Not that what happened to me would happen to you!” She added quickly. “I just don’t want you to ever go through that, I want you to be happy.”

“I want you to be happy too, Riley.” He told her before leaning in and wrapping his arms around her in a close hug.

* * *

“Why do you always do this?” Lucas huffed as he walked hand in hand with his girlfriend. “Does everything you do have to be something that will get you in trouble?” 

“Why do **you**?!” Maya snapped as she glared up at her boyfriend. She pulled her hand from his grasp to cross her arms. “We’re only going to live once, Lucas, why shouldn’t we do what we want to do? What makes us happy?” She challenged, leaning against the stone wall outside of the school.

“Because what makes you happy can get you hurt, and I don’t want you hurt.” He replied, his own arms crossing in retaliation. He didn’t understand why she always had to fight him about everything.

Maya scoffed. “Says the idiot who rode a bull because of his stupid reputation.” 

Lucas rolled his eyes. “It’s not the same thing.” It hadn’t been the smartest choice he’d made, but people had been proud of him, they’d cheered him on…well, everyone except her. Was she right?

“Right, because yours is worse!” She shot back. “You did it because you cared what other people thought; I do what I do for **myself**.”

“So what? I rode a bull, with a helmet and vest, I had lessons. You let some twenty-something guy you met through you’re delinquent ex-boyfriend put a needle in your arm! Who was this guy? I mean c’mon Maya! You could get infected or get hepatitis!”

“Okay first of all-” Maya began; her glare hard and a finger in the air. “Don’t bring Joey into this! He wasn’t there and he doesn’t have anything to do with it other than being how I met Matt.” She held up another finger. “Secondly, do you think I’m stupid?!” He recoiled slightly, of course he didn’t. “I wouldn’t let someone give me a tattoo with a dirty needle. It was sealed and so was the ink. The guy has a shop, just can’t do it there because I’m underage.”

“There’s a reason there’s an age limit.” He muttered, rolling his eyes at her. 

“Just shut up!” She snapped as she pushed past him.

“Maya!” He called out as she walked away from him, but when she didn’t stop he jogged to catch her, grabbing onto her arm and stopping her. “Maya, wait.”

“Seriously, shut up!” She replied, pulling her arm away from him. “I told you about it because I love it! I designed it and it’s beautiful and you’re acting like you’re my dad not my boyfriend.” She crossed her arms as she stared at him with obviously hurt eyes. She’d saved for months to get the tattoo on her arm, she’d been thinking about it for ages and wanted it more than anything. She wanted him to want to see it and praise her. 

“What am I supposed to say?” He nearly pleaded with her. “I worry about you.”

“I can take care of myself.” She told him angrily, refusing to meet his eyes. 

“I know that! Of course I know that!”

“Then what is your problem!” She snapped back at him, meeting his look with a steely glare.

“My problem is that I love you and I’m not going to stop caring or worrying about you!” He nearly yelled it back at her, causing a few people to look at the young couple arguing in the middle of the block.

Maya seemed to calm almost immediately, her eyes softening as she cocked her head to the side and watched him. “I thought you weren’t going to say that anymore.” She asked softly.

“We only live once, so I’m going to do what I want to do. And I want to say I love you.” It had been months since he tried to tell her, since she told him he was ridiculous and not to say it anymore. 

Maya smiled a little as he used her own words against her. “Is that so?” Lucas nodded and she reached forward and grabbed his shirt, pulling him in roughly. “You sure about that, Huckleberry?” She asked, putting on her most threatening tone. Lucas just smirked down at her and nodded again before he closed the gap between them and locked his lips with hers. Maya wrapped her arms around him as he kissed her deeply – allowing herself to accept his words for the first time. 

As she pulled back she kept her eyes on him. “So…you want to see it?” She asked, her voice was soft and sweet, but it was clearly a challenge to see if he was going to fight her on it forever. 

He smiled and nodded and watched as she pushed her sleeve up to her elbow to show him [a soft colored palette that looked as if it had been painted onto her pale skin](https://i.imgur.com/wonNsSn.jpg). He reached out, but hesitated. “Does it hurt?”

She shook her head. “Not anymore, do you like it?”

His fingers brushed over her skin, examining it before meeting her eyes again. “It’s beautiful, Maya.” He replied honestly. “Honestly, I thought I’d hate it because…” She lifted her brows as she listened. “I feel like I’d hate anything that hurt you…but it’s really pretty.” 

Maya smiled wide. “Thanks, Huckleberry.” She paused as she pulled her sleeve back down and looked up at him once more. “Don’t tell the guys, I haven’t told Riley yet and don’t want her to freak out if she finds out from them.”

Lucas laughed as he took her hand once more. “I‘m not going to be responsibility for Riley having a panic attack.” He teased, nudging her side slightly as they continued on. “Bad enough I’m gonna be sneaking in when your parents ground you for a year.


	18. Chapter 18

> ”WHAT?!” Maya, Riley, Farkle, and Zay all shouted at the same time – their brash reaction turning Lucas’s face red as he looked back at them all. 
> 
> “You can’t!” Riley cried out. 
> 
> “Are you out of your damn mind?” Zay asked.
> 
> “Lucas, I really don’t think this is a good idea.” Farkle continued with a furrowed brow. 
> 
> “Has your doctor cleared you for such an activity?” Smackle came in with logic.
> 
> Maya just crossed her arms and stared at him with narrowed eyes.
> 
> “Jeez guys, calm down.” Lucas said as he sat up a little straighter. “I’m fine. I’ve seen my doctor and he said I was fine now. There was no long term damage from the concussion. I want to play again, and I was really hoping you’d all support me.” He turned to Maya first – but her glare had him quickly looking for another set of eyes. 
> 
> He settled on those of his first girlfriend. “Riley.” He began. “C’mon you’ve always supported me, don’t you have my back on this one?” He pleaded with his eyes as he turned to her for support. He went to Farkle and Smackle next. “And you guys, if the doctor says its fine, shouldn’t it be okay? I mean they know more than any of us right.”
> 
> “Well, that’s debatable.” Smackle replied with a confident smile. “But yes, I would concede that the doctor should know quite a lot about this situation. You’ve had a CAT scan, correct?”
> 
> “Yeah, of course.” He muttered before turning to Zay. “C’mon Zay, we can finally be on the same team again.”
> 
> “I dunno, Lucas.” His oldest friend muttered in a worried tone.
> 
> Before he could turn to her, Maya stood up and walked away from them all. “Maya!” He called out but she opened the door of Topanga’s and walked out without looking back. “Shit.” He muttered, quickly on his feet and rushing after her. This was not how things were supposed to go.
> 
> “Maya, stop!” Lucas called out as he ran, skipping steps to reach her. “Please, stop.” 
> 
> He took hold of her arm and she spun on her heels and smacked him in the arm. “You stupid! Ridiculous! Stubborn! Asinine!” With each word came another smack or shove against his chest and shoulders until he grabbed her by the wrists to stop the blows. “Do you have any fucking idea what all of us felt seeing you put into that ambulance, in that hospital bed?!” She jerked away from him – his eyes more surprised than hurt.
> 
> “I’m okay now!” he told her with a sigh. “The doctor wouldn’t let me play if I wasn’t.”
> 
> “I don’t give a damn about your doctor!” She shook her head, ignoring the people walking past them on the street and the on looking best friends peeking at them from the stairs that lead to Topanga’s. “You were in the hospital and had headaches so bad you couldn’t move. You could have died!”
> 
> “I wasn’t gonna die.” But his argument wasn’t heard. 
> 
> “You cannot do this!” She talked over him. 
> 
> “Why not?! Why don’t you ever believe in me?!” He shouted back at her
> 
> “That’s what you think?!” She shouted. “I fucking love you and don’t want you to die, you jerk!”
> 
> Everything went quiet then. The eyes of their friends all wide, except for Zay who was smiling wide and nodding. “I knew it.” He gloated. “I knew she’d say it while yelling at him, you all owe me a buck.”
> 
> Maya went quiet as she stared up at Lucas, but of them looking back at the other, standing still as a stone. Slowly his expression changed, a smile spread across his face. 
> 
> “Shut up!” Maya replied quickly. “Stop smiling, it’s not about that! It’s about you being stupid.”
> 
> “I may be stupid,” He replied with a happy sing-song voice. “But you love me.”
> 
> “I do not.”
> 
> “Receipt says otherwise.”
> 
> “You did not just say that,” She rolled her eyes. “You are an idiot.”
> 
> “An idiot you love.”
> 
> “Fine! I love you, now shut up, I’m still mad at you.”
> 
> Lucas let out a sigh and reached out to her. “Can you just let me have this one?” 
> 
> But Maya wasn’t budging yet. “Are you going to play football again?” She asked, arms crossed as she looked up at him. “I’m not kidding about this Lucas. Maybe you don’t remember what I do, but you were in a lot of pain, you were miserable for weeks. And now you’re risking that again, except this time you might not be so lucky. You get that? Being in all that pain was _lucky_ , it could have been worse.” She spoke calmer this time, but expressed her concern and anger just as clearly.
> 
> “Maya…” He sighed, watching her. “I want to be a part of something.”
> 
> “You are.” She told him, nodding behind him to where their friends watched on. “ _We’re_ your team, and we don’t need you breaking your neck.” She tried to reason with him, tried to make him understand how much he meant to them all. She wasn’t good at being this open with her feelings with anyone but Riley, but Lucas had worked his way into her heart. “I’m not going to threaten you this time, I’m not going to stop talking to you and I’m not going to tell you what to do.” She continued. “But I don’t want you to do it and if you do, I won’t watch. I can’t watch you get hurt again, I just _can’t_.”
> 
> Lucas felt like his heart was breaking as he listened to her speak. She wasn’t shouting any longer, she was just being honest with him. He blinked a few times as he felt a pang in his chest. “Okay.” He told her softly, stepping in and wrapping an arm around her. “I won’t promise that’s I’ll never play again, but…I won’t play this year, okay?”
> 
> Her small arms wrapped around his back as she buried her face against his chest and took in a deep breath. She looked up as he spoke. “Good.” She replied, getting her voice back. “I would have hated to have to rat you out to your mother.” She teased, having to break the tension somehow.
> 
> * * *
> 
>  
> 
> Zay watched them all as they smiled and laughed. Lucas put his arm around Maya casually. Farkle stood between Riley and Smackle. It was just like every other day – except today he didn’t move forward to join them. There was a gap in the crowd, as if they knew he’d be along any minute and were saving his place. But he didn’t move forward to join them, instead he hung back and lingered near the drinking fountain. 
> 
> His eyes settled on Isadora, Izzy, as he’d grown to call her over time. He didn’t like calling her Smackle like they all did. It didn’t feel…personal enough. She had a beautiful name, she should be addressed by it. He didn’t realize he was smiling as he watched her. She didn’t show emotion like the rest of them, but her eyes were engaged as they all spoke. He loved her eyes; they were brown, but not a normal brown, much lighter in the center with a dark ring around them. It fascinated him and drew him in. 
> 
> She was the one to see him first, offering him a smile as she scooted over, making the gap bigger as if to silently tell him to come join the group. He couldn’t deny – she’d already seen him. So he plastered a smile on his face and stepped into place. 
> 
> He froze up when her arm brushed against his. No, he did NOT like her, she was Farkle’s girlfriend. This was not okay. He silently cursed the tingles on his arm as he slid away from her slightly. _Yeah, that was subtle._ He wanted to roll his eyes at himself, despite the fact that no one else seemed to notice his move.
> 
> Zay wasn’t sure when it happened, when he went from wanting to know her, to wanting to kiss her. But somewhere along the road to friendship he’d trailed off the path and onto the road of crush.
> 
> “Isaiah?” Her voice brought him out of his trance and he shook his head as he snapped back into reality.
> 
> “Huh?” He muttered, seeing them all looking at him now, mostly amused. 
> 
> “Will you be joining us?”
> 
> “Huh?” He asked again, making it even clearer he wasn’t listening to any of them.
> 
> “Topanga’s.” Maya jumped in. “After school.”
> 
> “Oh, um.” He glanced around at them all, eyes moving between Farkle and Izzy last. “Not today, I promised my mom I’d come right home.”
> 
> * * *
> 
> Zay continued to avoid hanging out with the group for a week before anyone approached him about it. And to his dismay it was the one person he didn’t want to ask him. 
> 
> “Isaiah, may I speak to you?” Isadora moved up behind him at his locker, catching him completely off guard. He’d been doing everything he could to avoid her once he realized his feelings for her had grown and now he had nowhere to go. 
> 
> “Hey Iz, um, can it wait? I need to – ” He tried not to meet her eyes as he fumbled to get his books free from the mess inside.
> 
> “Have I offended you in some way?” She asked bluntly, causing him to blink back and quickly shake his head. 
> 
> “No, of course not. Why would you think that?” His brow furrowed and his eyes met hers – to his instant regret.
> 
> “You have not spoken to me in 119 hours and…” She paused to look at her watch. “11 minutes.” Zay almost smiled at how precise she was. “I can only deduce that I have done something to offend you, causing your silence. I understand this is quite commonly done with friends and family, though I have never understood it.”  
>  “You didn’t do anything wrong.” He told her. 
> 
> “Why have you stopped conversing with me?” She was so direct, and he liked that about her, he didn’t need to try to feel her out and find some unsaid signal that he would likely interpret wrong.
> 
> He frowned slightly. “It’s not you, Iz. I just need some time away to figure some things out.”
> 
> “Figure things out? You need a solution?” He barely nodded before she continued. “I am quite good at deduction and reasoning skills, I could assist you with this problem.” She offered immediately, glad this was something she may be able to fix.
> 
> “Actually, this is something I need to figure out on my own.” He told her, forcing a small smile on his usually happier face. 
> 
> “I see.” She gave a curt nod. “I will leave you alone to find your solution. If you find yourself in need of any of my skills, I can trust you will let me know.”
> 
> As she walked away he found himself watching her, knowing he wouldn’t be able to take herself up on the offer. He couldn’t tell her how he was feeling, he couldn’t betray his friendship with Farkle. He was a part of this amazing friendship and to lose that wasn’t even an option. He just needed to get her out of his head.


End file.
